Vampiristic Humor
by Panda Incognito
Summary: One hundred one shots of vampire humor, along with a human or two. Overall rated T for Emmett’s swearing in later stories.
1. Cherry Lips

**Title:** Cherry Lips  
**Rating:** K  
**Genre:** Humor  
**Pairing(s)/Character(s):** Rosalie and Alice  
**Summary:** Rosalie and Alice are shopping in Seattle, and a song starts playing that has both vampires in smirks and giggles.

**Word Count:** 1,057

**Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight!**

**----**

**Cherry Lips**

----

Alice and Rosalie walked through the mall, shopping bags in both hands. Rosalie was wearing black, four-inch stilettos, skinny jeans, and a white baby doll shirt. She had put on cherry-red lipstick, and her golden hair was twisted in loose curls that framed her face. Alice was wearing a black, knee length dress that hugged her torso before flowing around her. She, too, had black, four-inch stilettos.

Even with the heels, she was still so short.

"Where to next, Rose?" Alice asked. They had already been to so many stores, was it possible that they had missed one?

"We haven't been to Victoria's Secret, yet," Rosalie replied.

Alice gasped. "I can't believe I forgot about Victoria's Secret!"

"There's a first for everything," Rosalie just said. Alice stuck her tongue out at her, and they entered said store.

Alice froze in her spot. Her eyes glazed over for a second, and just as quickly as the premonition came, it was gone. Alice smirked evilly at Rosalie.

"Rose, dear?"

"Yes, Alice?"

"You wouldn't happen to be trying to impress Emmett, would you?"

Rosalie smirked. "What makes you think that?"

"Oh, just a vision I had, that's all,"

"Any tips?"

Alice grinned, showing her perfect, shiny, white teeth. She stalked over to a rack, plucked a black lacey bra and panty set off a rack, and gave it to Rosalie. "This will knock him dead," She said with a wink. "No pun intended," She added with a giggle.

They picked out a few more items, paid for them, and left the store. Just as they left, a song started playing that Alice laughing uncontrollably.

"What's so funny?" Rosalie asked, not even noticing the music.

"It's your song, Rose!" Alice managed to spit out. Rosalie listened, and then smiled.

_**She gave you everything she had**_  
_**But she was young and dumb**_  
_**She just turned twenty-one**_  
_**She didn't care to hang around**_  
_**So when the shit came down**_  
_**Why she was nowhere to be found**_

Rosalie smirked and pulled out her lipstick from her purse. "Watch a girl work," She simply said and started walking.

_**This life can turn a good girl bad  
She was the sweetest thing That you had ever seen  
You're such a delicate boy  
In the hysterical realm  
Of an emotional landslide  
With physical terms**_

She uncapped the lipstick and spread a thick layer on her lips. She suddenly "dropped" her lipstick, where it then rolled a few feet then stopped. Alice chuckled.

**_With your cherry lips and golden curls  
You could make grown men gasp  
When you go walking past them  
In your hot pants and high heels  
They could not believe  
That such a body was for real_**

A few men who were passing by with either their kids or their girlfriends, stopped and stared at Rosalie. A teenager, who would be classified as a nerd with bad acne, huge glasses, and a terrible outfit on, picked up her lipstick and handed it to her.

Rosalie giggled—out of amusement or courtesy, we'll never know—and grabbed the lipstick.

"Thank you," She said seductively. In the background, Alice covered her mouth so they wouldn't hear her laughing.

The kid just sighed grunted. Internally, Rosalie cringed, externally, she kept walking, causing some of the men with their kids to gasp and stare at her.

**_It seemed like rainbows would appear  
Whenever you came near  
The clouds would disappear  
Because you looked just like a girl  
Your baby blues would flash  
And suddenly a spell was cast_**

She stared at one guy as she was walking past him, making him think she was in to him. He sighed, straightened his collar, and walked towards her.

If Alice were human, tears would be streaming down her face.

_**You're such a delicate boy**_  
_**In the hysterical realm**_  
_**Of an emotional landslide**_  
_**With physical terms**_

_**You hold a candle  
In your heart  
You shine a light on  
Hidden parts you  
Make the whole world  
Wanna dance you've**_  
_**Bought yourself a  
Second chance**_

"Hey," the guy said. _'He's pretty cute…for a human,'_ Rosalie thought with a giggle, making the guy grin. "I'm Mark,"

"I'm Rosalie," She just said and walked away with a smirk.

"H-hey-! Wait up!" Mark called after her as he ran up to her. She stopped and sighed.

"Look, Mark," She started, her voice suggesting she was talking to a three year old. "I know what you're doing. You're hitting on me, trying to get my number, maybe eventually get in my pants. However, I have a big, strong, muscled husband waiting at home for me. I don't think he'd like it if he found out I was sleeping with other guys. Plus," She then got serious. "I'm not a slut."

Mark stared dumbfounded at her as she walked away back to Alice.

_**Go baby go, go  
We're right behind you  
Go baby go, go  
Yeah we're looking at you  
Go baby go, go  
Oh, we're right behind you  
Go baby, go baby  
Yeah we're right behind you**_

Alice was still laughing by the time Rosalie came back.

"I can't believe that, Rose!" She exclaimed. "He's _still_ shocked!"

Rose just smiled. "I've had enough fun. Let's go home,"

So, they left the mall, hopped into Alice's bright yellow Porsche, and headed home, twenty miles over the speed limit.

_**Go baby, go baby  
Ah, we're right behind you  
Go baby, go baby  
Yeah we're looking at you  
Go baby, go baby  
Ah, we're right behind you  
Go baby, go baby  
Yeah we're looking at you (You hold a candle in your heart)  
Go baby, go, go (You shine a light on hidden parts)  
Go baby, go, go (You make the whole world wanna dance)  
Go baby, go, go (You bought yourself a second chance)  
Go baby, go baby, go (Delicate boy)  
Go baby, go baby, go (In the hysterical realm)  
Go baby, go baby, go (Of an emotional land slide)  
Go baby, go baby, go (In physical terms)**_

When they entered the huge mansion, they saw Esme sitting on the couch, watching TV.

"So, did you girls have fun?" Esme asked with a smile.

The two girls looked at each other and smiled.

"We sure did, Esme," Rosalie answered. "We sure did…"

_**Go baby go, go  
Go…yeah we're looking at you**_  
_**Go baby go, go  
Ah, we're right behind you**_

----

**So how was it? Please REVIEW and let me know!**

**True to the summary, I'm going to write one hundred one-shots, all of them humorous. If there's something you'd like to see, let me know in a PM or review and I'll see what I can do (that rhymed!)**

**Once again, REVIEW!!**

**--Panda**


	2. Turn That Frown, Upside Down!

**Title: **Turn That Frown, Upside Down  
**Rating: **T  
**Pairing(s)/Character(s):** Emmett, Jasper, and Bella (mentions Edward a few times)  
**Summary: **They were assigned to make Bella happy while he was gone. They usually don't have this assignment, so what does Edward know that they don't? Whose butt will get kicked? Will Bella ever be happy again?

**Word Count: **1,359

**This was really fun to write! I hope you like it!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight!**

**----**

**Turn That Frown, Upside Down!**

**----**

Bella sat on the couch in the huge mansion that belonged to the Cullen's. Her arms were crossed, her lips were turned down, and her brow was furrowed as she glared at the floor.

"Please smile Bella! For me? For Jazz? For Edward?!" Emmett pleaded. He and Jasper were trying to make Bella happy, due to Edward's orders.

_Flashback_

_Emmett and Jasper were playing Halo on the X-box when suddenly Emmett's phone started ringing. He picked it up._

"_What do you want, Eddie-boy?" Emmett growled out as Jasper shot him. "That's not fair! Edward distracted me!"_

"_Emmett!" Edward shouted. "Pause the game and listen to me. I have to go hunting. Bella should be waking up soon, and when she does, you need to make her happy because I know she'll be sad. Or worse, she'll be mad."_

"_Did you do something to her? Why will she be mad and/or sad?" Emmett asked, ignoring Edward's command at pausing that game. _

"_Just make sure she's happy when I get home!" Edward said before hanging up. _

_Emmett stared at the phone, temporarily forgetting the game._

"_How rude,"_

_End Flashback_

And so, that's how they ended up in the living, making silly faces at Bella, trying to make her smile.

Emmett pulled at both sides of his mouth, showing his teeth, and crossed his eyes.

Bella just glared at him.

Emmett cringed. "Fine," He muttered to himself. "I'd never thought I'd have to do this, but…desperate times call for desperate measures. Jasper, stay with Bella. I'll be right back."

He then ran up the steps into his and Rosalie's room.

Jasper shifted nervously before an idea popped into his head. It was a feeble attempt, but at least he could say he tried.

"Let's watch cartoons!" He exclaimed. He grabbed the remote and sat right beside Bella. As long as he didn't take any deep breaths, he would be fine.

He turned the TV on, and Spongebob Squarepants came on. It was the episode where Squidward loves krabby patties, and Spongebob had just said "No, Squidward, I mean, good for your soul," It then showed him with a halo and wings.

"Oh, puh-lease! I have no soul!" It then showed fire around him and a voice did an evil 'Muwahahah!'.

Jasper chuckled and slightly nudged Bella. She jumped and glared at him. Jasper pressed his lips together to hide his smile.

"Oh, Bellaaaaa!" A voice called behind them. Jasper turned, and what he saw made his eye twitch.

Emmett walked in front of Bella wearing only his jeans and one of Rosalie's bras. Of course, he knew she would kill him once Rosalie found out what he did, but right now, he didn't want to get his butt kicked by Edward.

Emmett stood in front of Bella, his hands on his hips. "Don't I look ridiculous, Bella? Doesn't it just make you want to laugh?" He asked.

Bella didn't say anything, but her lips did twitch and her glare softened a bit.

"Emmett, that's just…wrong," Jasper said chuckling.

"Hmph. At least I'm giving an effort!" He shouted and stomped off like a hormonal teenage girl who didn't get what she wanted. He went upstairs and slammed the door shut.

Bella's lips twitched again, but she didn't laugh nor smile.

Jasper sighed and continued watching Spongebob with less enthusiasm.

Emmett eventually came down, and when he did, he tugged Jasper into the kitchen.

"We need a new plan," Emmett said.

"You think?" Jasper asked sarcastically, crossing his arms. "What if we can't do anything, though?"

"Think of it this way, Jasper: what's worse? Angry Bella, or Angry Edward?"

They both thought about it for a minute, then simultaneously said,

"Angry Bella,"

"Wait!" Some random person from the audience shouted. "Why is Angry Bella worse than Angry Edward?"

"Because!" Emmett shouted. He started pacing as he explained. "If Edward comes home to Angry Bella, she won't want to talk to him, making him sad! Then, he'll come to us because we were _supposed _to make her happy! He'll be angry because we didn't do the job, and then he'll kick our butts!" By the time he was done, he was gasping for unneeded air.

"Ohh…so, it's a lose-lose situation?"

"Pretty much," Jasper answered this time while Emmett had a panic attack.

"Quick! Jasper! I have a plan!"

Bella heard the two whispering to each other, and she automatically became suspicious. However, she narrowed her eyes when suddenly the lights went off. She heard some rustling, and then suddenly, she was lifted up from the couch and thrown over someone's shoulder.

"Emmett! Jasper! Whoever this is, put me down NOW!" She shouted, pounding on the person's back, though it did more damage to her.

Just as quick as she was picked up, she was set down in a chair. She tried to spring up and get away, but ropes were placed around her chest and waist, pinning her down to the chair she was on.

Suddenly, a light turned on. It was a desk lamp, and it was sitting on the dining table. It only lit the fraction of the table that she was sitting at. Emmett and Jasper were sitting across from her.

Emmett's eyes were narrowed, and his elbows were on the table, his fingertips on both hands touching together. Jasper's hands were folded together on the table, and he was leaning forward.

"I'll tell it to you straight, Bella," Emmett started. "If you don't cheer up, me and Jazz here won't be alive tomorrow."

Bella didn't say anything, but turned her head away from them. She wasn't in the mood to play their childish games.

"Look at me when I'm talking to you!" Emmett yelled.

"I think you're over doing it, Emmett," Jasper muttered.

"Sorry,"

"Let's be reasonable, Bella," Jasper said in a calm voice. "Edward has to go hunting every now and then. It can't be helped."

'So, it's the good-cop-bad-cop routine, huh? Fine, I'll play along…' Bella thought.

"I know, I'm not ignorant," Bella growled out. "But he left without telling me. He didn't even leave a note!" She shouted. Tears suddenly sprung to her eyes. "It was like he left me again…" The tears poured over and down her face.

"Jeez," Emmett blinked. "Edward _is_ a dumba--"

"Bella," Jasper interrupted. "Edward's an idiot. Don't cry," Jasper sent out waves of calm, but while he was doing that, realization dawned on him.

"Oh my GOD!" Jasper shouted, slapping his hands to his face.

"What?" Emmett asked.

"I could've just _made _her happy." He groaned, pulling at his hair.

Emmett stared at the blonde. He was calm on the outside, but on the inside, rage was building.

"Jasper, I'm going to KILL YOU!" He shouted and tackled him.

Bella, despite her crying, thought the situation was quite hilarious, and actually started laughing.

The boys stopped abruptly and stared at her laughing form for a second before Emmett, who was on his knees, raised his arms towards the heavens and shouted,

"Thank you, Lord! We're not going to die today!" He then turned toward the camera, a.k.a. the reader, and said, "No pun intended,"

Emmett and Jasper stood up and untied Bella. Emmett gave her a bear hug, and Jasper just smiled and ruffled her hair.

"Let's go play Halo to celebrate!" Emmett shouted.

"Yay!" Jasper and Bella exclaimed as they started playing.

Yes, good was done today. Bella became happy, and Jasper and Emmett's butts didn't get kicked.

They played Halo for many hours. However they stopped when Edward came home.

Bella set her controller down, stood up, and glared at Edward with her arms crossed.

"Eheheh…h-hey Bella, sweetheart, cupcake…" He said nervously. Jasper and Emmett stopped playing to watch.

"Don't you 'cupcake' me, Edward!" Bella exclaimed. "We need to talk!" She then pulled him by his beautiful, luscious…soft…fluffy…

----Audience member slaps author----

Right! She then pulled him by his luscious hair up the stairs and into their bedroom.

"Ow! Bella, please—OW! Let's talk about this! Ow!"

Jasper and Emmett collapsed in laughter.

"Now all that's left to say, is they lived happily ever after…except Edward,"

The End

----

**Did you like it? Hope so. Please Review!!**

**Once again, if you have suggestions or if you would like to see something, let me know!! **

**I feel bad for Edward now…so the next one will include Edward!! Yay!!**

**--Panda**


	3. Edward's Box

**Title:** Edward's Box  
**Character(s): **The Cullens (mentions Bella)  
**Rating: **K  
**Summary: **Esme gets a new refrigerator. Edward became bored, so he took refuge in his own mind with his imagination and decided he needed the refrigerator box. A war between Mental Edward and the other Cullens ensues.

**Word Count: **2,394

**_WARNING! CHARACTERS ARE OOC!! (Especially Edward!)_**

**Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I do now own Twilight, the Internet, Ebay, or the Mission Impossible theme song!**

**----**

**Edward's Box**

**----**

Esme walked into the Cullens' kitchen carrying a brand new refrigerator, which was still in its box.

"Edward, could you come help me, please?" She called, setting the refrigerator down. A second later, Edward entered the kitchen. Edward didn't question the new appliance. It was usual for Esme to buy new household items every couple years. She claimed that it kept her busy and kept her house in style.

"What do you need help with, mom?" He asked.

"Could you take the old refrigerator outside? Emmett's out there, and for some reason he wants it," Esme replied.

Edward just sighed. Emmett always wanted the things they threw out. None of the Cullens knew why, but they became pretty suspicious whenever there was a mini explosion and Emmett was gone.

"No problem," He lifted the old refrigerator effortlessly with one hand and carried it outside.

'Mike and Bella, sittin' in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G! First comes love--'

"Emmett!" Edward yelled, interrupting Emmett's thoughts. He and Jasper were outside, sitting in the grass. Jasper was holding onto a plastic bag with something in it.

"Run, Jasper, run!" Emmett shouted. He stood up and sprinted away into the forest, Jasper following him. Edward growled, dropped the refrigerator on the grass, and stomped back inside.

Esme was still in the kitchen, but she was done putting the new refrigerator in where the old one was. She was now washing the few dishes that Bella had used from when she had come over a few days ago.

"So what's Bella doing today?" Esme asked Edward as he entered the kitchen. He hopped up onto the counter and watched her rinse off a spoon.

"Charlie had the day off so he and Bella spent some time together and then they went to the Clearwater's to have dinner with them and the Blacks," Edward answered. He was a little tense and nervous knowing that Bella was surrounded by werewolves--pups, nevertheless--, and if something happened, he wouldn't find out until later.

"Don't worry, Edward. She'll be fine," Esme reassured. A comfortable silence fell upon them as Esme finished washing the dishes.

"Well," Esme sighed. "I have to go hunting. I'll be back in a few hours," And with that, she left.

Edward sat there a little longer, but soon, boredom started to overcome him.

'_What do I do now? Bella's busy, Alice and Rosalie went shopping _again_, I don't even want to _know_ where Emmett and Jasper ran off to, and Carlisle is still working…'_

Edward sighed and hopped down from the counter.

'Guess I have to entertain myself for a while,'

Edward walked into the living room and sat on the couch. He turned the TV on and flipped through all three hundred channels, but didn't find anything appealing. He looked around the room, seeing if there was anything he could do to quench the boredom.

He spotted a mirror hanging on the wall and went to stand in front of it. He started pulling and prodding at his rock hard skin. He studied his golden eyes and his sharp teeth. He even messed with his hair, seeing if he could somehow tame it, but like always, it was done in vain.

"Ugh, this is stupid," He growled to himself. He looked at the mirror again, and something in the background caught his eye.

It was a box, but not just any box.

It was a refrigerator box…meaning it could hold a person inside…

Edward turned around to stare at the box. He walked up to it and scratched his chin, studying it. He even tilted his head to the side just for good measure.

Deciding this may be of use to him, he quickly looked around, making sure nobody saw him, and then dove into the box.

It was wide enough that he could sit cross-legged in it and still be comfortable, and it was tall enough so that if he stood up, all that would be seen was his shoulders and head.

He grinned evilly. _'This could be fun…'_

--

"Emmett, he didn't follow us. You can come down, now," Jasper said. He was trying to coax Emmett out of the tree he was hiding in. Emmett thought Edward was following them, so he hid up in the trees.

"Fine," Emmett sighed. "But if he jumps out and kicks our butts, I blame _you_!"

"Let's just hurry up and go home. We have to take the refrigerator to the pit,"

"Oh yeah! That's right! I almost forgot about that!"

The two of them ran home at vampire speed and stopped by the appliance on the lawn. Emmett picked it up and began walking towards the forest again.

"Alright, this is going to need--" Emmett started, but was interrupted by Jasper.

"Wait, hold on…do you hear that?" Jasper asked suspiciously.

Emmett stopped and listened intently. "No…I don't hear anything,"

"Exactly,"

Emmett and Jasper stared at each other. Emmett slowly put the refrigerator down. He and Jasper slowly walked towards the house, tense and alert for anything that could happen. They entered the house and looked around…

…but nobody was in there.

"Edward should be here…so where did he go?" Jasper asked a loud.

Emmett, sensing there was no danger anymore, said,

"I don't know, but look!" He pointed to a tall box sitting innocently by the foot of the stairs.

Emmett walked towards the box and pulled the flaps back, but suddenly a fist flashed up and punched him in the nose.

"AHHH!" Emmett screamed as he walked backwards and ran into the couch and did a back flip onto the floor.

"Emmett! What happened?" Jasper asked.

"The box punched me!"

Jasper looked towards the box to see bronze hair and two glaring eyes peeping out from the top of the box.

Jasper sighed. "It's just Edward,"

"Oh," Emmett said, calming down. "Well…let's go take the fridge to the pit!"

"Whatever," Jasper said. The two left the house, leaving Edward to his mind once again.

When he was sure they were gone, Edward quickly hopped out of the box and ran around the house picking up paper, tape, a pencil, scissors, and some extra cardboard. He even took the mirror from the bathroom. Just as quickly, he was back in his box.

Edward chuckled evilly to himself. He took the mirror and swiftly broke it into two-inch by two-inch squares. He had constructed the extra cardboard into a periscope and put the little mirrors in place when he heard the door open.

He heard Alice and Rosalie talking to each other about something they saw in a store. Edward lifted the periscope and turned it towards the two girls. They both stopped talking and looked at him curiously.

"Edward? Is that you?" Rosalie asked.

"It's him," Alice answered. "He got bored and when he saw the box, his mind basically went out the window."

Edward brought the periscope down and stood up so just his eyes and hair was seen. His hands were grasping the edge of the box.

"Where did you get that information? Are you some sort of spy?" He asked suspiciously.

Alice and Rosalie chuckled, but that was the wrong thing to do.

Edward's eyes narrowed, and he glared at them. He ducked back into his box. He quickly made a paper hat and put it on his head.

"This means war," He whispered to himself. He then made little paper balls that, when thrown with vampire speed, were deadly. He made a few hundred of them, gathered them in his arms, and then quickly stood up to his full height, and started pelting both girls with them.

"Edward!" Alice shouted when one hit her smack dab in the cheek.

"Stop this right now!" Rosalie shouted. When both of the girls realized nothing would stop him, they made a run for the stairs and sprinted into Alice's room.

Edward, on the other hand, retreated back into his box. He put the remaining paper balls in a corner before pulling out his cell-phone (which now had Internet access!). He went onto the Internet and went onto Ebay. In the search box, he typed in "silly string".

He chuckled evilly. "Everyone's going down…"

--

Emmett and Jasper were at the pit with the fridge. They called it the pit because it was literally a pit. It was a deep hole, and in it they always placed the garbage so they could blow it up. They had set fireworks and some explosives in the pit around the fridge. Now all they had to do was wait until it was nighttime.

"We did a good job," Emmett said. "Now let's go home,"

The two raced home and went inside. However, once they took a step towards the stairs, they were pelted with paper balls.

"What the hell!" Emmett shouted, holding his hands to his face in an attempt to protect it.

"Come on!" Jasper shouted. "Let's go upstairs!" And so, the two of them sprinted up the steps into Jasper's room where they met with the girls.

"What the hell is going on?!" Emmett asked. "We were just pelted with deadly paper balls by a mental Edward!"

"So were we," Rosalie said.

"We need to come up with a plan," Jasper said.

"I know what to do," Alice said, a look of confidence on her face. "But first, we need to get suited up."

"Suited up?" Asked Emmett.

"Trust me," She replied. "You know your paintball suits?"

"Yeah?"

"Put them on, and also grab your paintball guns and plenty of ammo,"

"If you say so,"

The four of them went to their closets and put their suits on and grabbed their guns.

"Okay guys," Alice whispered. "We need to get to the kitchen, so we'll have to sneak out the bedroom window and go in through the kitchen window so Edward won't see us."

(Queue Mission Impossible theme song)

The four of them jumped stealthily from the window to the ground. They crouched down and walked to the kitchen window. Emmett turned in a full circle while he was crouched, like they were breaking into a bank, rather than just going from room to room.

It was becoming darker, so when they clambered into the kitchen window, they looked more like ninjas than vampires.

"Okay," Alice whispered again. "I have ear pieces for everyone. We're going to be setting up stations on all sides of Edward, and we can't just shout out our plans across the room,"

She handed everyone an earpiece and they put them in. "Now, we'll use the couches, the desk, and the hutches for our cover."

"Question," Emmett whispered. "What exactly are we going to _do_?"

Alice smirked. "We're going to…"

--

Edward heard a truck coming and he quickly got out of the box and ran outside (keep in mind that he still has the paper hat on). He ran up to the driver's side once the truck had stopped.

"Mr. Cullen?" The driver asked. Edward nodded.

"Sign here," The driver held out a clipboard and Edward signed it. "Here you go," The driver gave him a package along with a weird look. "Have a nice day,"

Edward nodded once, saluted him, and then ran back inside.

He dove into his box and opened the package. Inside were six cans of silly string, a paintball gun with extra paintballs, and thirty-six yards of wire that was wound into a circle. It was a weird combination of items, but it was what he needed to stay alive in the war.

He grabbed the wire and climbed out of the box. He placed wire four feet from the box all around it, that way, if anyone tried to get to the box, they would trip and he would then pelt them with different colors of silly string.

He got back in the box and started assembling the paint gun and loading it, when he heard rustling, like something was being pushed. He quickly pushed the periscope up and looked around the room. He saw four homemade shields on all sides of him that were made with furniture from the living room.

He growled and pulled the periscope down. He clutched the paintball gun in his hands and took a deep breath.

"This is it," He whispered to himself. "Never give up until the job is done," He then stood up a little and rested the gun on the edge of the box. He took aim at one of the barriers and shot.

"NOW!" Someone shouted.

All hell broke loose.

Paintballs came from every direction, pelting him and the box. Some would miss target and hit something else, but most of the time they hit.

"Rosalie! Emmett! Go!" Alice shouted.

Rosalie and Emmett shot up and sprinted towards the box. Edward quickly got the silly string and started shooting it at them, trying to occupy them so they wouldn't notice the wire, but Jasper shouted,

"Jump!"

The two vampires jumped and landed right next to Edward. Rosalie shoved his head into the box, and then closed the flaps. Emmett duct taped the box closed.

Edward growled inside the box and started thrashing around. Emmett smirked.

"Mission accomplished."

Suddenly, a door opened, and all the Cullens, except Edward, turned towards the door to see Esme and Carlisle come through.

They stopped and stared at the mess.

"What happened to my house?!" Esme shrieked.

"Umm…" Emmett gulped. "Mental Edward came out, and we had to stop him…"

"So you used paintballs and silly string?!"

"Well, technically, the silly string was Edward's…"

"Where is he, anyways?"

Edward, who had snapped out of his mental state due to his parent's voices, started thrashing around. "Emmett, let me out! I'm fine now!"

"Let him out, Emmett," Carlisle said in a stern voice.

"Aww…okay," Emmett tore the duct tape off and Edward fell onto the ground along with his supplies.

"Alright, kids, I think you owe Esme an apology,"

The Cullen kids stood side by side in front of Esme and mumbled,

"Sorry, mom,"

"Now go clean up this mess," Carlisle said.

They started getting to work, and in the middle of cleaning the floor, Edward turned to Emmett.

"I'm still going to kick your butt for what you were thinking earlier," He said.

Emmett turned to Jasper. "I blame _you!_"

----

**So, how was it? I didn't really like the ending, but I suck at endings anyways. I think this one isn't as funny, but it's still pretty good.**

**Once again, I'll take suggestions!**

**Review please!**

**--Panda**


	4. Peaches and Cream

**Title:** Peaches and Cream  
**Rating: **T  
**Character(s): **Edward and Bella  
**Summary:** Their relationship isn't always peaches and cream like some people think. Even Edward and Bella, the perfect couple, sometimes want to strangle the other person.

**Word Count: **1,136

**Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight!**

**----**

**Peaches and Cream**

----

**Edward's Pet Peeve Number One: Bella's Nagging About his Driving**

"Edward, could you please slow down!" Bella exclaimed, clutching at the seat with fear while glaring at Edward.

"Bella," Edward started in an annoyed voice. "I always drive this fast! It has never bothered you before!"

"Well it bothers me now!" **(A/N: That line was from the movie Overboard! Hilarious movie!)** "So…slow DOWN!"

"Don't bother me while I'm driving, woman!"

"Don't yell at me!"

"Yell at you?! You're yelling at me!"

Bella took a deep breath. Curse her tear ducts for being wired to her anger!

"Just hurry up and take me home!"

"Oh, so now you want me to speed up?! Well, fine! I'll speed up!" Edward said, his voice a little crazy. He stomped on the gas pedal and sped up to a hundred miles per hour.

Suddenly, they heard a police siren whaling behind them.

"Aw, shit," Edward cursed.

**Edward's Pet Peeve Number Two: Bella's Constant Need to be Around Him**

"So, what are we doing today?" Bella asked Edward. They were sitting on the couch in the living room.

"Well…uh…Emmett, Jasper, and I were thinking about doing something…by _ourselves_," He added pointedly.

"Oh…so…you don't want me to come?" Bella asked a little hurt.

"Well, you know, Bella, sometimes I just need…_we_ just need some man time. You know, to watch football, go hunting…to do guy stuff without a woman interrupting,"

"So, what you're saying is, I'm always in the way?"

"No! It's just that…I don't know, I just want time to myself. I mean, you're always with me--"

"So now I'm clingy?"

"I just need personal space!" Edward yelled in frustration. "You're always in my bubble! Correction: I don't have a bubble, you _are_ my bubble!"

"I'm so glad you like to be around me!" Bella bit sarcastically. By the time she said this, both of them were standing up, Bella with her hands on her hips, and Edward's arms were crossed.

They remained silent, looking at everything but each other until Edward looked up. He glared defiantly at her.

"I'm still going with Emmett and Jasper,"

**Edward's Pet Peeve Number Three: Bella's Whining (Ex: Shopping and her Humanity)**

"Bella!" Alice shouted. "Let's go shopping!"

"Edward!" Bella exclaimed. "Save me! I don't want to go shopping!"

"You're going to be going anyways," Edward replied, rolling his eyes. "Why should I waste the effort?"

"You mean, lazy, hot vampire!" Bella yelled. "You don't understand! She makes me try on outfit after outfit after outfit! I'm not a Barbie doll!"

"She does it to all of us. Why should you be exempt from it?"

"Because I'm your girlfriend! And you are _supposed _to save the girl!"

"You sure whine a lot. It's kind of getting on my nerves…" Edward mumbled the last part to himself.

"I heard that, Cullen!"

"Well it's true! You whine about everything! You whine about my driving, Alice taking you shopping, and about staying human!"

"Hey, I have good reasons for all of those!"

"Really?"

She glared at him. "Really."

"And they are?"

"I don't want to die, I don't want to be Barbie, and finally, I'm a klutz and shouldn't be allowed to be a human!"

"…True,"

**Bella's Pet Peeve Number One: Edward's Protectiveness**

Bella and Edward walked hand in hand to their next class, biology. When they sat down, Mike came up to them. Bella noticed how questionable his hair looked.

"Hey, Bella!" Mike exclaimed, completely ignoring Edward.

"Uh, not to be rude," Bella replied. "but what's up with your hair?"

"Thought I'd try something new. You like it? I know what else you might like…"

"Go away, Mike," Edward said sharply. He put his arm around Bella's shoulders protectively.

"Shut it, Cullen," Mike said.

"Edward, he just wants to talk," Bella said. Edward clenched his teeth together and looked away.

"So, Bella, did you want to do something on Saturday?" He asked, lightly touching her hand. Edward growled and stood up. He glared at Mike. It was quite a comical sight to Bella because Edward was a good foot taller than Mike.

"Don't touch her," He said in a low, dangerous voice.

Bella rolled her eyes, sighed, and leaned her head on her hand.

"Edward, I can take care of myself, you know," Bella said while the two had a stare down.

Edward glanced down at her and reluctantly sat down. He placed his arm back around Bella's shoulders.

"You're mine, and only mine. Remember that,"

"Whatever you say, Edward. Whatever you say…"

**Bella's Pet Peeve Number Two: "Cautious Edward"**

Bella and Edward were sharing an amazing kiss, but as usual, Edward tensed up and pulled back.

Bella glared at him. "You know it really grinds my gears when you do that," (A/N: Family Guy! HA!)

Edward rolled his eyes. "If we kept going there wouldn't be and gears to grind. You'd probably be dead."

"I'm willing to take the risk,"

"I'm not,"

"Chicken,"

"Am not! There's nothing wrong with be careful! In fact, if I _weren't_ careful, I could literally crush you!"

"I'm not as fragile as I look, you know!"

"Yes, you are,"

"Am not!"

"Are too,"

"Am not!

"I'm not going to do this, you know," Edward said. "I better go, Charlie's coming home. I don't want to get caught."

He left before he heard Bella shout,

"There you go, being cautious again!"

**Bella's Pet Peeve Number Three: Edward's Immortality Advantages**

Bella frantically picked up her book bag from the kitchen chair and searched through it. She was looking for her keys. Edward was there, but he wouldn't be going to school because it was a sunny day.

In her search, she accidentally tipped her book bag upside down, causing the books to spill out. She expected to hear a clatter, but instead the books were piled neatly on the table.

She sighed. "Thanks, Edward,"

"No problem," He replied.

She ran over to where her lightweight jacket was and was about to pick it up, but suddenly Edward was holding it up for her. She blinked, and then scowled.

"Thanks," She grumbled. She picked up her book bag and her keys and stumbled out the door. She went to open the door, but she suddenly found herself being lifted into the seat. The door shut and she looked over at a sparkling Edward.

"Would you stop doing that?!" She exclaimed. "It's annoying!"

Edward grinned. "Sorry, I just can't help myself,"

"That's what you always say," she said with a roll of the eyes.

"Because it's true. Now go! You don't want to be late,"

She sighed and pulled out of the drive way and raced down the street.

"Damn that vampire," She muttered.

Edward stood in the driveway, staring after her.

"Finally," He sighed. "Now I can have Edward time,"

----

**Haha! So, what do you think? Edward's pet peeves were the most fun to write.**

**As always, suggestions will be taken!**

**Review, please!!**

**--Panda**


	5. Carlisle's Wheelie Chair!

**Title: **Carlisle's Wheelie Chair  
**Rating: **K  
**Character(s): **Emmett and Carlisle  
**Summary: **Emmett and Carlisle are going to go hunting, but Emmett has to wait until Carlisle's done with his shift at the hospital. Emmett takes Carlisle's wheelie chair for a ride, as he becomes Emmett Cullen: Private Investigator!

**Word Count: **891

**This was really short, but I still liked it. **

**Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twlight!**

**----**

**Carlisle's Wheelie Chair**

**----**

Emmett walked into Carlisle's office at the hospital.

"Are you ready to go hunting?" Emmett asked.

"Not yet," Carlisle answered while looking at a sheet intensely.

Emmett sighed and plopped down on the couch in the office. A few minutes followed in silence.

"Are you finished now?" Emmett asked hopefully.

"No," Carlisle answered.

A minute of silence.

"How about now?"

"No, Emmett,"

Another minute of silence.

"…Now?"

"Emmett! No!"

One more minute of silence.

"Are you--"

"Emmett! I'm not done yet! I'm sorry, but I have to finish this before we leave!" Carlisle explained, frustrated.

"Sorry," Emmett mumbled.

"It's alright. I'll be right back. I have to go check something." He looked at Emmett sternly. "Don't do anything stupid. Stay in this room,"

Emmett saluted him. "Yes, sir!"

"Right," Carlisle said dryly, leaving.

Once he left, Emmett stood up and stretched. _'Sorry, Carlisle, but I have to move around.'_ Emmett thought. He sat down in Carlisle's wheelie chair and spun around in it.

_'Perfect…'_

Emmett opened the office door and looked down both hallways to see if anyone was there, but it was deserted.

_'Strange,'_ he thought. _'There are usually a lot of people walking around in hospitals. What if they were taken?! This looks like a job for Private Investigator, Emmett Cullen!'_

He went back to the chair and grasped the armrests. He pushed the chair out the door, pointed the chair down one hallway, and then started running. When he got good speed, he hopped onto his knees on the chair, still grasping the armrests.

He flew down the hallway, all the while narrating in his mind.

_'I raced down the empty hallways, looking for any sign of humans or vampires. A ball of nervousness formed in my stomach when I saw no one.'_

Emmett, coming to the end of the hallway, expertly turned the chair and continued going down the next hallway. There were people in this hallway walking around. They didn't notice Emmett, though, until it was too late.

_'I turned the corner without stopping. I looked down this hall and saw people! They were milling around without a care in the world. What if there was a monster here that could kill them?!'_

"Oh wait," Emmett muttered to himself. "That's me and Carlisle," He chuckled to himself.

He continued gliding down the hall, bumping into a few people and knocking them over.

"Sorry!" He exclaimed. "I'm on a mission to protect humanity!"

Two receptionists at a desk exchanged glances that said I-think-he's-crazy.

Other people just stared at him in disbelief.

_'I saw the look people were giving me. I knew they thought I was stupid for going on this mission, but I also knew they thought I was brave. I turned another corner, but then stopped the wheelie chair quickly. Standing in front of me was the monster himself, hypnotizing a poor, defenseless woman trapped in a cage **(which was actually her desk)**.'_

Carlisle was talking to a middle-aged woman behind a desk. He wanted something on the paper work he had checked. When the woman went off, he looked over to see Emmett glaring at him while holding onto his wheelie chair. Carlisle stared at him. "What are you doing with my chair? Wait, what are you doing out here, period? I told you to stay in my office,"

_'"Your cage was no match for me!" I told him with a smirk. "You can't keep me locked up!"_

_I then pushed the chair right past him and started gliding down the halls once again. My plan was to lure him outside, away from the humans, and then I would take him down once and for all!_

_I heard him roar my name, and I looked back to see him chasing me._

_"You'll never catch me alive, monster!" I yelled back. Turning back was a bad choice, though, and I knew my career, my life, and humanity was over.'_

"Emmett!" Carlisle shouted and ran after him at a slightly faster-than-human pace. He wasn't about to let his 'son' make off with _his_ wheelie chair! He loved that chair! When he was stuck on a case, he would spin around in it until his mind came up with something. Not to mention, it made going from file cabinet to file cabinet easier and funner!

Emmett looked back at him and laughed, but it was a bad decision. When he had turned, he didn't realize there was a wall ahead of him. Emmett crashed into the wall and fell off the chair.

_'I crashed into the wall, causing a loud clanging noise. I lay on the floor, staring up at the ceiling in disbelief. How could I have made such an amateur mistake?_

_It wouldn't matter though, for my days were over._

_The monster loomed above me, glaring at me._

_"Let's go," He growled, grabbing the chair and me. He led us down a familiar hallway. We were going back to his dungeon.'_

"Alright, Emmett," Carlisle said. "You want to go hunting, so we'll go hunting.

"Woot!" Emmett yelled as the two of them left.

_'Once again, I, Emmett Cullen: Private Investigator, had succeeded another mission. I was alive, humanity would continue, and the monster was tamed.'_

"Today was fun, dad. We should do it again sometime!" Emmett said once they were outside.

"Right," Carlisle said dryly.

----

**How was it! Review and let me know!**

**My favorite line: **What if there was a monster here that could kill them?!'

"Oh wait," Emmett muttered to himself. "That's me and Carlisle," He chuckled to himself.

**Hahaha!! Ah…**

**Review!**

**--Panda**


	6. Meese

**Title: **Meese  
**Rating: **T  
**Character(s): **The Cullens and Bella  
**Summary: **Emmett watches the discovery channel one day, and it's about a moose. He questions the plural of moose, and the Cullens plus Bella have a debate about it.

**Word Count: **802

**Once again, this was short, but I still really liked it. I pretty much chopped up the words goose, geese, moose, and meese, but I had fun doing it!**

**Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight!**

**----**

**Meese**

**----**

Emmett sat on the couch in the living room, watching the Discovery channel.

"_Watch as this large moose in Alaska eats what little shrubbery there is to offer in this cold and harsh climate." _A voice narrated on the TV.

"Hey, Emmett," Jasper said, sitting next to him. "Whatcha watchin'?"

"Something on the Discovery channel. It's about a moose eating or something,"

Jasper just remained silent and watched the moose on the TV stare at the camera while the narrator talked and blabbed on about a moose's eating habits and other stuff. They weren't really listening. They were more likely thinking about whether it would taste good or bad.

"I tried once when I was in Alaska," Edward said, coming down the stairs with Bella. They came into the living room and sat down on the love seat. "It's not the greatest, but it's not bad, either."

"Emmett, why are you even watching this?" Bella asked.

"I was bored," He replied, shrugging.

Alice and Rosalie then came home from hunting.

"Hey guys!" Alice greeted chirpily.

"What are you doing?" Rosalie asked. The two of them came in and sat down on the ground.

"Watching a moose," Jasper simply said.

Rosalie lifted a brow, and Alice giggled.

All of them watch the TV for all of ten seconds when Emmett sighed.

"Meese are so boring,"

"Meese?" Jasper asked.

"Yeah, meese. You know, the plural for moose,"

"Emmett, that's not the plural," Edward sighed, shaking his head. How could his brother be so stupid?

"Frickin'—Dude, Edward, that's the plural, I know it is."

"No, Emmett, it's not. The plural is moose, though some people do say mooses,"

"Well that's like saying gooses!"

"But that's geese,"

"Exactly!"

"What?"

"Right."

Edward and Emmett glared at each other.

Bella's eye twitched.

Alice shook her head.

Rosalie sighed.

Jasper muttered, "Here we go again,"

"Look, Eddie," Emmett said. "I think I would know my meeses from geeses and my gooses from mooses."

"Don't call me Eddie!" Edward shouted.

"It's not meese, Emmett," Bella interjected on Edward's behalf. "That's just the way it is,"

"Well we should change that!"

"Emmett…" Alice said in a warning tone. Edward read her mind and stared at Emmett in disbelief. "Don't you dare do it!"

"Too late!" Emmett shouted and ran up the stairs.

"What's he going to do?" Rosalie asked worriedly.

"He's going to court. He's going to try and change the plural for moose to meese."

"That idiot!"

"No kidding," Jasper chuckled. "I'd love to see how this folds out,"

----**TWO WEEKS LATER!!----**

"Next case: Mr. Emmett Cullen. He's here to change the plural of moose to meese," A man called out in a courtroom. It was just the jury, the judge, and a few policemen. Emmett walked in looking professional (not to mention hot) in a suit and tie.

"As you know, your honor, I'm here to try and change moose to meese. How come a flock of goose is called geese, but a herd of moose isn't called meese? It's not right, and I won't stand for it!" He yelled dramatically, slamming his hand on a desk. He hit it to hard and it cracked a little. He froze and looked around, hoping no one would notice.

Thank God they didn't.

Emmett straightened his tie and said,

"That's my defense."

"Alright," The judge said. "We'll converse on the subject and have a hearing tomorrow about our decision. Court adjourned!" He exclaimed.

Emmett stalked out of the room and went back to the Cullen mansion.

"So how did your first day in court go?" Edward asked sarcastically.

"Good!" Emmett replied enthusiastically. "There's a hearing tomorrow on their decision!"

Edward just shook his head and walked away.

**----THE NEXT DAY!!----**

Emmett once again strode into the courtroom, this time carrying a brief case, just for good measure.

"The meese case will now be in session!" A guy stated.

"Mr. Cullen," The judge said. "We have talked about the situation…and we think you're right,"

Emmett smiled hugely.

"We have decided to make meese the plural of moose,"

Emmett then shouted,

"Yes! Woot! Thank you, your honor!"

"You're welcome," The judge said dryly. "Case closed!"

Emmett left the courtroom with a skip in his step and went home.

"So what did they say, Emmett?" Edward asked when Emmett sat down on the couch. The Cullens and Bella were in the living room as well.

"They decided that I was right, and they're going to make it meese!"

Edward stared at him. "You're kidding, right?"

"Nope!"

Edward just blinked.

Bella was speechless.

Rosalie muttered "Idiot,"

Alice pinched the bridge of her nose.

And Jasper…he just laughed.

"You really are stupid, Emmett," He said.

"That's _Mr._ Emmett to you!" Emmett replied, crossing his arms.

"Okay…you really are stupid, _Mr. _Emmett,"

"Thank you,"

----

**I liked the ending :D So now everyone has to say 'meese' when referring to many mooses…moose…whatever.**

**Thanks for reading! Review, please!**

**--Panda**


	7. Superhero Series 1: The Cullen Cave

**Title: **Superhero Special Series #1: The Cullen Cave**  
Rating: **T**  
Character(s): **The Cullens, Bella, and Mike**  
Summary: **SUPERHEROS! This is the first edition of the superhero special series! There will be other editions as time goes on. Anyways! This one is about the Cullens having a meeting in the Cullen Cave about what to do to save Bella, the damsel in distress, from their arch nemesis, Mike. Will they save Bella? Or will Mike get away with it?

**Word Count:** 2,068

**Note: This is a special mini series that will happen throughout Vampiristic Humor. They aren't vampires in this series, but when they put their super suits on, they have super powers.**

**Every superhero has a cool name, so here's the key to that:**

**Edward: Sexy Charmer**

**Emmett: The Grizzly Bear**

**Jasper: The Sensitive One**

**Rosalie: Beautiful Wonder Gal**

**Alice: Pixie Girl**

**Bella: Mind Barrier**

**Jacob: Alpha Male**

**Seth: Young Wolf**

**Mike:…you'll have to read and find out :D**

**Enjoy and review please!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight!**

**----**

**Superhero Special Series #1: The Cullen Cave**

**----  
**  
"Pixie Girl?" Edward, a.k.a. The Sexy Charmer, called as he took attendance. He was head of the superhero gang known as the Cullens. They were currently in the Cullen Cave, having a meeting. The Cullen Cave had metal walls, and on one wall was a huge TV that took up most of that wall. In the center of the room was a large table with six chairs. Also in the room were desks and file cabinets. On one of the desks sat the super phone.

"Present and hyper!" Replied Alice.

"Sensitive One?"

"What?! Oh, here!" Jasper said.

"Beautiful Wonder Gal?"

"Right here," Rosalie said seductively.

"Grizzly Bear?"

"PRESENT!" Emmett screamed.

"Mind Barrier?"

Silence.

"Mind Barrier?"

Everyone stared at the empty chair next to where Edward sat.

Edward's brow furrowed. "Where's Mind Barrier? Does anyone know?"

There was some mumbling before Alice said,

"Sorry, Sexy Charmer, we haven't heard from her,"

"Check the super phone!" Emmett suggested, pointing to said object.

"Good thinking, Grizzly Bear!" Edward shouted and ran over to the phone. He clicked a button that said "messages" and a long beep went off.

"You have four new super messages," A woman's voice said. "Message one:"

"Hey guys!" Bella greeted happily. "I won't be able to make it to the meeting. I'm going to Renee's for the weekend. Sorry, and talk to you later!"

"End of message. Message Two:"

"Hey guys, it's me again!" Bella greeted again. "Guess what?! I got to Renee's, but she and Phil had to leave for a sudden game. I can come to the meeting! Yay!"

"End of message. Message Three:"

"Sexy Charmer! Pixie Girl! Someone, please pick up!" Bella shouted. "I'm being taken! I can't do anything! Help! He's immune to my--" Suddenly, she was cut off.

"End of message. Message Four:"

There was an evil laugh, but it was computerized so they couldn't make out the exact voice. "That's right, Cullens, I took your girl. I know how precious she is to you. If you want her back alive, give up your powers. Otherwise…" There was a crunch and a scream. "Well, I'll just keep breaking a bone. Muwhahahaha!"

"End of messages."

Everyone remained silent for a minute.

"We have to save Mind Barrier!" Alice yelled.

"But we don't know who took her," Jasper said calmly.

"I think we do, actually," Edward said.

"Explain, Sexy Charmer," Rosalie demanded.

"Well isn't it obvious, Beautiful Wonder Gal? Who's our arch nemesis?"

Emmett's eyes narrowed. "Michaeltard." He growled out.

Edward nodded. "Exactly."

Suddenly, there was beep from the TV on the wall. Everyone turned to stare at it.

Someone was holding a camera and it was showing Bella, bruised and battered, crumpled on the floor.

"I bet that's a sore sight to see," The voice said, turning the camera onto him, showing Mike.

"Michaeltard!" Edward shouted. "Give Bella back to us! Or else!"

"Or else what? I want to see how far you would go to save Mind Barrier!"

"You cruel, sadistic, son of a bi--" Emmett started but was cut off by Edward.

"You better watch your back, Michaeltard,"

"Oh, I will, Sexy Charmer. I will…" He trailed off with an evil laugh, and the screen showed Bella once again before going blank.

Edward growled and his hands clenched into fists.

"Is it just me, or does anyone else think it's rather disturbing when Michaeltard says Sexy Charmer's name?" Alice asked.

"It's not just you," Jasper said.

"Look, we need to come up with a plan," Rosalie said. She pushed a red button and a wall flipped over to show a whiteboard.

Everyone sat down and became quiet as Edward stood, facing the whiteboard. He grabbed a marker and started drawing.

"Wait a minute…" Emmett said. "That's--"

"Plan C," Edward finished for him. He was now done drawing and he turned to face the other superheroes. "I know,"

"But Plan C…that's pretty major, Sexy Charmer," Alice said worriedly.

"It's the only way we're going to be able to save her," Edward sighed. "Okay, you know what to do. We're going to infiltrate his lair and take out his guards. We need to use stealth. Try not to get caught, but if you do, scream, and then all stealth goes out the window. If one of us gets killed…don't stop, keep going." He took a deep breath. "I just want to say it was great working with you guys."

"Don't talk like that!" Emmett shouted. "We can do this! Hands in!"

He put his hand up, and everyone followed.

"Cullens!" They shouted at the same time.

"Alright!" Edward called. "Let's get suited up!"

Edward pushed a black button next to the whiteboard, and the wall changed again. This time, six pods came up, each one containing a superhero suit. Above each pod was the name of the person who the suit belonged to.

Everyone went to their respective pod and pushed a button to open it (so many buttons!).

Edward had green tights with white boxers over them. He had a loose, green shirt on that had the two letters 'SC' capitalized. He also had a green mask over his eyes (like in Spongebob whenever they dress up as Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy) and a white cape (it always billowed, even if it wasn't windy).

Jasper's outfit was similar, only everything was a dark purple and he didn't have a cape or mask, but he did have a dark purple cap on.

Emmett…well, Emmett's was entirely different. His outfit was basically footsie PJ's that had fake bear fur on it. He also had bear ears that he slid onto his head (like a head band).

Rosalie had short black shorts that clung to her skin. She had thigh high red boots and a red, sleeveless, skintight shirt. To finish the outfit, she had black, elbow length, leather gloves.

And last but not least, Alice had black skintight pants that were tucked into black, knee high boots, a skintight black, long sleeve shirt, and black gloves.

Once they were dressed, they turned to Edward, waiting for orders.

"Okay," He said. "We need to call…reinforcements," He whispered the last part dramatically.

Everyone gulped and shifted nervously. They NEVER had to call reinforcements!

Edward whipped over to the super phone and dialed a number.

"Hello, The Alpha Male speaking," A deep voice answered.

"Alpha Male, it's me, Sexy Charmer,"

"Sexy Charmer! What's wrong? You NEVER call us!"

"Mind Barrier's been taken by the evil Michaeltard, and we have to use Plan C,"

"Le gasp! Me and The Young Wolf will come over to the Cullen Cave right away!"

"Thank you, Alpha Male," Edward finished, hanging up.

Approximately five minutes later, Alpha Male, a.k.a. Jacob, came crashing through the door with Young Wolf, a.k.a. Seth, in a very heroic way.

"Alright," Edward said. "Now that everyone's here, we shall go to the Michaeltard Lair!"

Everyone cheered and left the Cullen Cave.

They emerged from a secret entrance and started running. They ran in silence the whole way.

When they were about thirty yards from the lair, they stopped and stared at the huge wall that surrounded Mike's lair.

"How are we going to get past that?" Jasper whispered.

"Beautiful Wonder Gal," Edward whispered. "Use your stunning beams to break down the wall. After she does that, everyone run in and start taking guards out. Keep going in until you find Michaeltard and Mind Barrier."

Everyone nodded and stood up. They started running, and Rosalie pointed her hands at the wall. Blue beams shot out and hit it, causing it to fall down.

They dodged falling stone and brick, all the while taking out guards that had appeared.

Edward was the first one to get into the building. He ran down hallway after hallway, sometimes coming to a dead end.

One time when he came to one, he turned around and saw a guy with blonde hair standing in his way, a snarl on his face.

Edward crouched into a fighting stance. "Who are you?" He asked.

"My name is James," The guy replied.

Edward relaxed his stance. "Just James?"

James relaxed his stance too. "Yeah,"

"You don't have a cool, awesome name? Just James?"

"Why, isn't my name cool?"

"No, no, it is. It's just…odd,"

The two got back down in a crouch.

"I can't let you past me," James growled and he lunged at Edward.

Edward dodged and went to punch him in the face, but James grabbed his arm and pulled him down. Edward rolled to the side on the ground just as James was about to stomp on him. Edward kicked James' legs and sent him falling towards the ground.

Edward used his mind reading powers to read James' mind. He saw James' plan, and was able to counteract it when James got up and tackled him.

At the last second, Edward jumped out of the way, and James ran into the wall and knocked himself out.

Edward winced and continued running, but then he heard a scream. He stopped and sifted through the minds until he found Jasper's mind. What he saw was Alice lying on the floor, clutching her leg. A big burly guy loomed over Alice and laughed.

"You can't run with your legs like that, can you?" He said. He was about to take a swipe at her, but then Rosalie shot a beam at him, which knocked him onto the ground.

Edward switched his focus onto Emmett to see how he was doing. He ran up to a guy and punched him in the gut.

----Suddenly cheesy news flash music comes on----

"We're sorry to interrupt this program. Breaking news has just come in." A man said.

"Hey, Bob," A new guy said. In the background was Emmett punching the guy. "We're here at the 2009 Strength Competition, and Emmett Cullen has just punched a guy three hundred and sixty-four yards! A new record! That's going to be hard for ANYONE to beat. Back to you, Bob!"

"Thank you for listening to this broadcast. Now back to the story,"

----Goes back to Edward----

Edward focused on where he was and continued running.

Finally, he came face to face with Mike.

"Michaeltard," Edward growled.

"Sexy Charmer," Mike replied in a laid back tone. "So you decided to come,"

"You're going down!"

"Not if I take you down first!"

Edward rushed towards Mike and pulled his fist back and snapped it forward, hitting Mike in the nose. Mike stumbled back and clutched at his nose while Edward smirked.

SUDDENLY!! Mike pulled out a gun and pointed it at—

"WAIT!" Edward shouted, staring at the author. "Superheroes, or in this case, villains, don't have guns!"

"Oh, yeah," I said. "You're right,"

SUDDENLY!! Mike pulled out a little detonator that had a blue button.

"Give up, or I press this and everyone gets blown to bits."

Edward froze and started thinking of a plan. A bead of sweat rolled down the side of his face. He suddenly kicked Mike in the gut, surprising him. He dropped the detonator, and both of them winced, thinking the button would get pushed.

But it didn't.

Edward smirked and calmly picked it up while Mike gaped at him. Edward punched him in the side of the head, knocking him out. He ran inside the room that Bella was in to see her on the floor.

"Mind Barrier!" He exclaimed.

"Sexy Charmer!" She replied.

He carefully picked her up and cradled her against his chest. "Let's go,"

He then ran through the labyrinth of hallways. Every time he passed by a Cullen, they stop what they were doing and follow him until all the Cullens and the reinforcements were out.

"What are we going to do with the place?" Emmett asked.

"Blow it up," Edward responded. He pushed the detonator, and the whole building exploded.

"Where's Michaeltard?" Alice asked from Jasper's arms.

"He's dead," Edward relied. They remained silent the rest of the way.

----

Back in the Cullen Cave, the superheroes had put their suits away and were sitting at the table. The reinforcements had gone home, and Alice and Bella had been patched up.

Once again, the Cullens had succeeded. Now, hopefully, with their enemy gone, they could live a peaceful life.

Of course then there would be no plot, so it's not going to be like that for long.

----

**Oh my gosh. I had SO much fun with this. I thought it was a little weird, but still funny.**

**There'll be more editions later on. Oh, and this was inspired by that Alltel commercial with those heroes or whatever. **

**Review please! If you do, tell me what you thought about Mike's name. I want to hear your guys' thoughts on that. **

**--Panda**


	8. Sweet Victory

**Title: **Sweet Victory**  
Rating: **K**  
Character(s): **The Cullens**  
Summary: **The Cullens enter in the school's talent show. Will they win? Will they loose horribly?

**Word Count:** 1,825

**Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, Light On, or Sweet Victory!**

**----**

**Sweet Victory**

**----**

Emmett walked down the halls with is hands in his pockets. He was whistling to himself as he stopped at his locker to grab his history book. He then tucked it under his arm and went to his history class.

Some of you may be thinking 'This is too normal for Emmett!' and I agree, so let's try this again.

Emmett ran down the halls at a human pace, trying to get away from Edward. Before when they were in the cafeteria, Emmett had "accidentally" spilt his milk all over Bella.

"Emmett!" Edward roared as people stepped out of the way of the two brothers. Emmett chuckled. He passed a bulletin board, but stopped when something caught his eye. This caught Edward off guard, and he crashed into Emmett, sending both of them flying down the hall.

"What is going on out here?!" A teacher asked, coming out of his room.

"Edward attacked me!" Emmett cried.

"No I didn't. You stole my book so I had to run after you to get it back!" Edward said, picking up someone's book from the floor. He smirked at Emmett when his back was turned. "Payback," He whispered so only Emmett could hear.

"But I…I didn't…Aw, phooey!" Emmett said.

"Detention, Mr. Cullen," The teacher said with a stern look. "Now get to class,"

Emmett glared at Edward as he got up. He went back to the bulletin board and looked at the paper that caught his eye. Edward, who had given the book back to its owner, went to stand by Emmett.

"The Talent Show?" Edward asked.

"We should enter it," Emmett said, tearing the paper down.

"Why?" Edward asked, taking the paper from him and looking at it.

"Look at the grand prize," Emmett said.

"Five thousand dollars. So what? We have like twenty times that much money."

"Yeah, I know, but we could give it to Bella and she could use it for college. You would do anything for Bella, right?"

Edward thought about it then glared at Emmett. "You play dirty."

"As do you, brother," Emmett said, patting Edward's shoulder. "So are we going to do it?"

"Fine," Edward sighed.

"Woot!" Emmett yelled just as the bell rang.

"Thanks for making me late," Edward called sarcastically as he started going to his class.

"Anytime, bro, anytime," Emmett said, walking in the opposite direction.

----**LATER THAT DAY!!----**

"So, basically, we're entering the talent show for Bella, right?" Rosalie asked.

"Pretty much," Emmett said as he stood in front of Rosalie.

She shrugged. "Okay,"

"You're the best, Rose!" He exclaimed while giving her a big kiss. "Now, onto Alice and Jasper!"

When he walked out of their room, he was met by a pixie.

"AHH!"

"Hi, Emmett!"

"Don't scare me like that!"

"Sorry," Alice giggled. "I wanted to tell you we're in,"

"Define "we're" and "in","

"Jasper and I are going help you with the talent show, silly!"

"Yay!"

Emmett ran down the stairs to find Edward on the couch.

"Everyone's in," Emmett said, sitting next to Edward.

"Okay. Now, we need to pick a song,"

"Let's do 'Fergalicious'!"

"No way, Emmett," Jasper said, coming down the stairs with Alice and Rose.

"How about 'Just Dance'?"

"No!" Everyone shouted.

"We're not doing Lady Gaga," Edward said in a low voice. **(A/N: I have nothing against Lady Gaga! I love her!)**

"Okay! Jeez!" Emmett said while holding his hands up in surrender.

"We need to do something classy, something…unexpected, yet expected," Jasper said, rubbing his chin in thought.

Suddenly, Rosalie snapped her fingers. "I got it,"

"You're brilliant, Rose!" Alice cried, hugging her.

Edward smirked. "It's perfect,"

"What?! What?!" Emmett asked impatiently.

"It's…"

----**THE TALENT SHOW NIGHT!!----**

After many acts, the Cullens were going to be going on stage. First though, Mike was going to be singing 'Light On'.

"Hey, gay song, gay kid. It works!" Emmett exclaimed **(A/N: Sorry to anyone who likes that song, but it is kind of gay-ish)**.

The Cullens laughed and watched him step on the stage that was set up in the gym.

Bella, who was in the crowd, gagged when she saw Mike come out.

"You're kidding," She mumbled to herself as music started playing and Mike started singing.

_**Never really said too much  
Afraid it wouldn't be enough  
Just try to keep my spirits up  
When there's no point in grieving**_

**_Doesn't matter anyway  
Words can never make me stay  
Words will never take my place  
When you know I'm leaving_**

Every now and then, Mike would do a dance move or spin around. Bella stared at him, mouth agape, but she shivered when Mike stared directly at her.

Edward growled and took a step towards Mike, almost getting onto the stage, but Emmett held him back.

_**Try to leave a light on when I'm gone  
Something I rely on to get home  
One I can feel at night, a naked light  
A fire to keep me warm**_

**_Try to leave a light on when I'm gone  
Even in the daylight, shine on  
And when it's late at night you can look inside  
You won't feel so alone_**

**_You know we've been down that road  
What seems a thousand times before  
My back to a closing door  
And my eyes to the seasons_**

**_That roll out underneath my heels  
And you don't know how bad it feels  
To leave the only one  
That I have ever believed in_**

"Oh my GOD this kid is bad!" Rosalie sighed exasperated. "Talk about being flat,"

Alice shook her head in disgust.

_**Try to leave a light on when I'm gone  
Something I rely on to get home  
One I can feel at night, a naked light  
A fire to keep me warm**_

_**Try to leave a light on when I'm gone  
Even in the daylight, shine on  
And when it's late at night you can look inside  
You won't feel so alone, ooh yeah!**_

_**Sometimes it feels like we've run out of luck  
When the signal keeps on breaking up  
When the wires cross in my brain  
You'll stab my heart again when I come along, yeah**_

_**Try to leave a light on when I'm gone  
Something I rely on to get home  
One I can feel at night, a naked light  
A fire to keep me warm**_

"Hurry up, Mikey," Emmett whispered. "The real stars have to perform,"

_**Try to leave a light on when I'm gone  
Something I rely on to get home  
One I can feel at night, a naked light  
A fire to keep me warm**_

**_Try to leave a light on when I'm gone  
Even in the daylight, shine on  
And when it's late at night you can look inside  
You won't feel so alone, ooh yeah!_**

Finally, he was done. Bella rolled her eyes as he bowed dramatically.

"And now, our final act! The Cullens will be performing 'Sweet Victory'!" A voice said. Everyone cheered loudly and whistled.

The Cullens stepped onto the stage. Edward would be playing the keyboard, Alice and Rosalie were playing guitar and bass, Jasper was on the drums, and Emmett was singing.

The stage darkened but then a spotlight was on Emmett, showing him standing with his feet slightly apart, both of his hands holding the microphone close to his chest, and his head down.

Edward started playing, and soon Emmett's part came up. Once he started singing, he lifted his head up and stared at the crowd with wide eyes.

_**The winner takes all  
It's the thrill of one more kill**_

_**The last one to fall… will never sacrifice their will!  
**_

Suddenly, colorful lights came on, all of them moving in random directions.

_**Don't ever look back on the world closing in  
Be on the attack with your wings on the wind  
Oh, the games will begin**__**It's ours for the taking… It's ours for the fight!  
**_**_And it's sweet, sweet, sweet victory, yeah.  
_****_And the one who's last to fall  
_**_**The winner takes all  
**_

_**And it's sweet, sweet, sweet victory, yeah.**_

Emmett started walking around, looking dramatic as he pointed out to the crowd and then pointed towards the ceiling and slowly brought it down.

_**You don't win no silver  
You only lose the gold  
You push with a fever… for your time keeps tolling on!  
Against all the odds, against all your pain**_

_**Your back's on the wall with no one to blame  
Wild hearts won't be tamed  
**_

_**And it's sweet, sweet, sweet victory, yeah.  
**__**It's ours for the taking… it's ours for the fight!  
**__**And it's sweet, sweet, sweet victory, yeah.  
**__**And the one who's last to fall, the winner takes all  
**_

Alice then started rocking out as she had a guitar solo.

_**And the one who's last to fall yeah  
**_

Then Jasper had a mini solo and Emmett danced to the beat of it (think of what Squidward did on Spongebob).

_**And it's sweet, sweet, sweet victory, yeah.  
**__**It's ours for the taking… it's ours for the fight!  
**__**And it's sweet, sweet, sweet victory, yeah.**__**!**_

**_And the one who's last to fall  
The winner takes all_**

They then ended. Emmett was posed like he was in the very beginning, Jasper held his drumsticks up, Rosalie and Alice each had a hand held up high, and Edward had his head down.

The crowd of high schoolers and teachers cheered and whistled.

"I think we know who the winners are!" The principal of the school said, stepping onto the stage. The Cullens started jumping up and down and hugging each other, but Bella knew they were just faking it.

"Here's your trophy and a check for five thousand dollars!"

"Yay!" Emmett yelled and took the prizes. "I'd like to thank my mom, my dad, my brothers and sisters, and everyone who supported me!" He thanked. At the end, he started "tearing up". "I'm sorry," He said, covering his mouth with his hand.

"Anyways…" The principal said, giving Emmett a weird look. "Thanks for coming tonight, and a special thanks to those who performed. Have a good night, and everyone get home safely!"

And with that, the talent show was over.

----**LATER THAT NIGHT----**

"Oh, Bella, you should have SEEN Mike. He was glaring daggers at us when I took the trophy and money!" Emmett exclaimed as Bella laughed.

"Speaking of which," Edward said with a smile. "Bella, we have a surprise for you,"

"What?" Bella asked, alarmed. "I don't want anything,"

"Well too bad," Emmett said. "We've decided to give you the five thousand dollars for college!"

Bella stared at him.

Emmett stared back with a smile.

Bella started seeing black, and she feinted.

Edward glared at Emmett.

"This is the part where you run, Emmett," Jasper whispered.

"Right," He said, and ran out the door.

"Emmett!" Edward roared and chased after him, just like he had the day Emmett discovered the talent show flyer.

Only this time, Emmett didn't chuckle.

He just ran like hell.

----

**My favorite part was the beginning :D IMPORTANT!!! Okay, I need a little help with my next one-shot. It's called "Oh Snap!" and it's about comebacks and stuff. So, what I need from you guys is to give me oh snap worthy comebacks. It would help a lot, so please consider giving me some! That's it! **

**Please review! **

**--Panda**_  
_


	9. Emmett the Maid

**Title: **Emmett the Maid**  
Rating: **T**  
Character(s): **The Cullens and Bella**  
Summary: **Esme puts Emmett on cleaning duty for making Bella feint. Sort of a sequel to Sweet Victory.

**Word Count:** 1,429

**Note: I know I said I would be writing "Oh Snap!", but I decided that would come later.**

**Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight!**

**----**

**Emmett the Maid**

------

Emmett sighed sadly as he lay on the couch.

"Why so down, Emmett?" Alice asked, kneeling next to the couch, resting her head on her hand while her elbow was on Emmett's stomach.

Emmett glanced down at her then resumed staring at the ceiling.

"Esme put me on cleaning duty," He answered her sullenly. "Because I "made" Bella feint."

"Oh, because you told her about the money?" Alice asked.

"Yeah,"

Just then, the door opened and in poured Bella and Edward.

Emmett sat up and slightly glared at Bella.

Bella, alarmed and slightly frightened, asked,

"Um, did I do something?"

"No," Edward answered her, glaring back at Emmett. "He's just upset because he got cleaning duty."

"Cleaning duty?"

"He has to clean the house,"

"Why?"

"'Cause I "made" you feint!" Emmett exclaimed, stressing 'made' again.

"Oh…well, I'm sorry," Bella apologized.

"Bella, you don't have to--" Edward started but Emmett cut him off.

"Yeah? Well sorry doesn't quite cut it," He huffed, crossing his arms.

"Oh, Emmett, stop being a baby," Edward said. "It's not that bad!"

"In case you haven't noticed, Edward, this is a big house."

"What if I helped you clean?" Bella suggested suddenly.

"Sure, okay!" Emmett agreed, suddenly happy. He jumped from the couch and gave Bella a bear hug.

"Bella--" Edward started, but once again was cut off.

"Edward, I _want_ to help him," Bella said.

Edward sighed. "Fine. But I'm going to help, too." He announced.

"Now it's a cleaning party!" Emmett exclaimed happily. "Let's go get our supplies!"

**(Okay, you may want to look for this music and listen to it now: Quest for the Best. It's from Spongebob :D Trust me, it will be cooler if you listen to it.)**

Emmett opened up a cabinet that held three utility belts. He pulled them out and gave Edward and Bella one. He then put his own around his waist, as did Edward and Bella.

Edward grabbed a Windex bottle, twirled it, and put it on his belt. Bella plucked a Swiffer duster and swiftly hook it on her belt. Emmett grabbed a bottle of water and a toothbrush. Edward grabbed paper towels and tucked them to his side. Bella took out a can of air freshener and put it in a pouch like it was a gun. Finally, Emmett brought out three black hats that said 'Cleaning Crew' on it and gave Edward and Bella one. **(Just for future reference, they all have the same thing on their belts.)**

They put their hats on at the same time, looked at each other, and nodded.

"We may also need these," Edward said, giving Bella and Emmett a walkie-talkie. All three of them clipped them onto their belts.

"Being dramatic is fun!" Emmett exclaimed.

"I know!" Edward said, totally out of character.

"Let's start downstairs! Everyone in!"

The three of them put their hands in.

"Cleaning crew on three," Bella said. "One, two, three, CLEANING CREW!" They shouted.

They ran into the living room. Bella started dusting every surface she could dust. Edward dove in front of the TV in slow motion, pointing the Windex at the TV like it was a gun. He sprayed the TV, and Emmett ran over to wipe the Windex over the TV.

Bella took a lint roller out and swiped it over the couches. Once Edward and Emmett finished changing a bad light bulb, Bella pulled out her walkie-talkie.

"The area seems secure and free of dust and grime," She spoke into it.

"Roger that, Bella," Edward said into his.

"We'll be moving to the kitchen, now, team," Emmett said into his.

"Roger," Bella and Edward said, and the three of them moved to the kitchen like ninjas.

They wiped the table down and cleaned the stove and microwave. Edward pulled out a mop and started mopping while Emmett took his toothbrush and started scrubbing in crevices of the sink and stove. Bella, who was dusting off the cabinets by the fridge, stopped and sniffed the air.

"What's that smell?" She asked. She followed her nose and opened the fridge. She pulled out a jar of mayonnaise. She opened the lid and saw green and blue fuzz growing in it.

"Oh, gross!" She shrieked.

Edward, who had stopped to see what she was doing, sniffed the air.

"Bella," He said slowly. His tone suggested that she was carrying dynamite. "Put the jar down slowly,"

She complied and set it on the ground.

"Emmett…" Edward trailed off.

"I'm on it," Emmett replied. He took out a pair of yellow, rubber gloves and put them on. He then grabbed the jar and quickly, but carefully, put the jar in the trash. He pulled the garbage bag from the garbage can and ran outside to put it on the front lawn.

He ran back inside and announced,

"I think that's it. Now we need to go upstairs,"

So, they went up stairs and started cleaning. Even though they were going at human speed, they were getting down pretty fast. The time killer, though, and the one that exhausted them the most, was cleaning Edward's windows.

"Why do you even _have_ that many windows?" Emmett asked as the three of them sat on the ground leaning against each other's backs.

Edward just grunted in reply.

Emmett sighed. "Man it's exhausting going at a human pace,"

Bella glared at him. "Oh yes, because it's _so_ hard for a vampire," She rolled her eyes.

"Yes, it was!"

"Emmett,"

"Yes?"

"Shut up,"

The three of them sat there, staring at nothing, but then Esme came in.

"Well, Emmett, I see you have some help. Perfect, because the house needs a coat of paint on the outside. It's starting to chip. I want you to go paint it as part of your cleaning duties."

"Okay, mom," Emmett said without complaining.

The three of them got up and went downstairs. They went to a supply closet and got out three pairs of overalls, paintbrushes, and three cans of white paint. Emmett grabbed a latter and even some left over wire from Edward's mental breakdown.

'_Mental Edward's the best,'_ Emmett thought.

Edward glared at him, and the three of the stepped outside.

"Actually, Edward," Emmett said. "I'm glad you have so many windows. Now we have less house to paint!"

"Glad I could help," Edward said sarcastically with a roll of his eyes.

"Okay! This is how it's going to work! Bella will start at the bottom and work her way up. Eddie and I will start at the top and work our way down. Sound good?"

"How many times do I have to tell you?! Don't call me Eddie!"

"Well how many times has my intellect been made fun of?"

"What does your intellect, or lack there of, have to do with calling me Eddie?"

"I don't know," Emmett shrugged. "It just felt like a good time to say that."

Edward and Bella rolled their eyes.

"Now, let's get started!"

Edward and Emmett made their way to the roof while Bella opened a can of paint and got to work.

"Okay, how're we going to do this?" Edward asked.

Emmett showed Edward his thoughts. "That's why we brought the wire!"

"Oh dear Lord," Edward mumbled.

----**FIVE MINUTES LATER!!----**

Edward was dangling from the wire with a can of paint in one hand and a paintbrush in the other. The wire was wrapped around his waist and Emmett was holding onto the wire, lowering him or lifting him when needed.

"Just think of it as Mission Impossible!" Emmett called down to Edward.

Edward glared up at him and started painting.

That's when things went horribly wrong.

A butterfly passing by distracted Emmett, and he accidentally pulled on the wire just as Edward was dipping his paintbrush in the can. Edward's hand yanked up while the brush was dripping with paint. Paint dripped down onto Bella's hair, and since she was surprised by it, she shrieked, causing Emmett to jump. His grip on the wire slipped, and Edward started plummeting to the ground, but Emmett regained grip. However, Edward dropped the can of paint, and the paint splattered down onto Bella.

She screamed, and Emmett dropped Edward again. This time, Edward expertly landed on his feet and went to Bella.

"Bella!" Emmett shouted, taking a step forward. "I'm--" He started, but his foot hit the open paint can near the edge of the roof. He fell off, and splattered both Edward and Bella.

"EMMETT!" They screamed simultaneously.

Emmett scratched the back of his head nervously. "Eheheh…s-sorry?"

----

**And that concludes Emmett the Maid! It wasn't my favorite story, but I did like the part where they're getting the belts and stuff!**

**ALERT!! I have something special planned for the next one shot! Make sure to read the author's note at the beginning on the next one shot!**

**Review please!**

**--Panda**


	10. Cullen Kids

**SPECIAL DELIVERY!!**

**It's the tenth anniversary (tenth story, actually) of Vampiristic Humor! So, in honor of that, I wrote a special! Yay!**

**Title: **Cullen Kids**  
Rating: **K**  
Character(s):** The Cullens and Bella**  
Summary: **Oh no! The super-crazy-mentally-ill scientist has turned the Cullens into kids! Not only that, but they will remain that way for three days! And to make things worse, they're human! Bella takes it upon herself to take care of them until they return to normal. "Ah! I'm a kid! You're a kid! We're all kids! AH!"

**Word Count:** 3,582

**Disclaimer: Emmett! Do the disclaimer!**

**Emmett: Why do **_**I**_** have to?!**

**Me: Because I said so!**

**Emmett: -sigh- fine! PI does not own me, my family, friends, or anything else to do with us! Jeez, people…**

**Me: Emmett! Be nice! –smiles sweetly- Enjoy!**

**----**

**Cullen Kids**

**----**

The Cullens (minus Carlisle and Esme, they're not in this story) were sitting on the couch in the living room, playing on their X-box, when suddenly…

THE SUPER-CRAZY-MENTALLY-ILL SECIENTIST POPS OUT!

"Ah ha!" He yelled. He had on a blue lab coat, and his hair resembled Mozart's hair…

"Who are you?!" Emmett asked as he stood up and pointed a finger at him.

"Me?" The scientist chuckled. His face suddenly got dark. "I'm your worst nightmare,"

He then took out a special ray gun and pointed it at the Cullens.

"What's that?" Emmett asked.

"It's a special gun I invented. It will change all of you into human kids for three days! Muwhahahaha!" He answered with an evil laugh and zapped them with the gun before leaving.

All of them passed out, and they started changing…

**---ONE HOUR LATER!!--- (Just a heads up, the Cullens are either six or seven)**

Edward was the first to wake up.

"Ugh," He grumbled in a (cute) boy's voice that was higher than his usual voice. "What's going on? My voice! What's with my voice! Guys! Wake up!" He said as he started pushing everyone so they'd get up.

"What's going on?" Emmett asked in a daze. He took one look at Edward and screamed.

"Ah! You're a kid!" He stopped when he heard his voice. He looked down at himself. "I'm a kid!" He looked at everyone else. "We're all kids! AH!"

"Emmett!" A high-pitched voice shrieked. Rosalie stood up and smacked him over the head with her tiny hands. "Stop screaming!" She crossed her arms in smug satisfaction.

"Does anyone remember what happened?" Edward asked. He wasn't very happy about being a little kid. A _human_ kid, nevertheless.

"I do," A new boy's voice said. Everyone looked to see Jasper sitting on the ground with his arms crossed. His blonde hair was shorter, but it was still shaggy.

"Remember the scientist?" Another high-pitched voice squeaked. Alice stood up. She hadn't changed that much. She shrunk about a foot or two and her hair was just cropped shorter. But her voice did get higher. "He changed us, and now we're stuck like this for three days,"

"This isn't fair!" Rosalie whined. She sat on the ground and started pouting with her arms crossed.

"We'll just have to wait it out," Edward suggested. "In the mean time, I should call Bella. Maybe she can help us…" Edward trailed off as he went to the phone.

---**FIVE MINUTES LATER!!---**

Edward stood under the phone that was attached to the wall. He glared at it. _'Damn this tiny body,'_ he cursed. He stood on his tiptoes and reached with all his might for the phone. However, it wasn't enough.

He huffed and looked around for an idea. His gaze landed on a chair from the dining room. He went over and started pushing it towards the phone. When he had it in the right spot, he climbed onto the chair. He stood up and was at the right height to grab the phone off its receiver. He turned it on and dialed Bella's phone number.

"Hello?" Bella asked through the phone.

"Bella!" Edward exclaimed in his young boy's voice. "It's Edward!"

Bella chuckled. "Riiight…and I'm a vampire,"

"Bella, it's really me!" He then went on to explain what happened.

"Did the super-crazy-mentally-ill scientist have hair like Mozart's?" She asked.

"Yeah, I think so."

"I know him!"

"How?"

"He did the same thing to my cousin,"

"Oh…so are you coming over?"

"Of course! I'll be right over!"

"Thank you so much, Bella! I love you!"

Bella giggled. "It's weird with your voice like that, but I love you too!" She hung up.

Edward's eye started twitching.

MEANWHILE…

Upstairs, Rosalie and Alice were looking at themselves in the mirror.

"Oh my God!" Rosalie groaned. "I'm so…_normal_," She said the word like it was a disease.

"We're so tiny! We won't be able to drive, to shop--" She stopped. "We won't be able to shop…" Reality sunk in, and she screamed.

Rosalie cringed and covered her ears.

"Wait!" Alice suddenly stopped. "I can still shop online!" She smiled and ran down the stairs, but she wasn't a vampire, so she ran as fast as her six year old legs could. By the time she was at the computer, she was huffing and puffing.

"What's going on?!" Jasper asked, alarmed. Suddenly, he felt something clinging to his side.

"Oh, Jasper!" Alice cried into his waist. "It's _horrible!_ I can't even run down the _stairs_ before I get tired! And I can only shop online for _three, long, miserable days!_ And…oh, Jasper!" She finished. Jasper hugged her back and muttered soothing words to her.

Emmett went over and sat down on the bottom step. "It's not _that_ bad," He said.

Rosalie, who had come downstairs, punched him on the arm.

"Ow!" He cried. "What was that for?!"

"How can you say '_it's not that bad' _?!" She replied.

Edward came running in just then apparently over his twitch fit. "Okay, Bella's coming over, so let's not panic. Just do whatever it is you do, but remember, we have limits now." He warned.

"Come on, Jasper," Alice sniffed. "Let's go shop online,"

"Want to play tag, Rose?" Emmett asked.

"Tag? Really?" Rosalie replied.

"Yeah!"

She shrugged. "Okay." She tagged Emmett. "You're it!" She squealed and started running through the house.

"Hey!" He yelled, chasing her.

Edward sighed and went to wait for Bella. A few minutes later, he heard the roar of her engine. It stopped, and a few seconds later the door opened and she walked in.

Edward stood in front of her, his tiny arms crossed, and he stared up at her.

Bella stopped and stared back at him before lowering to her knees.

"Edward?" She asked.

"Yeah?"

She squealed. "Oh my God! You weren't kidding!" She stopped talking and stared into his eyes for a long time. "Your eyes are green," She said softly.

"What?!" Edward shrieked. He grabbed her hand and they ran to a mirror. He stared at himself and blinked. She was right. "Whoa…"

They stepped back to the living room. The rest of the Cullen kids gathered and stood in front of Bella.

Bella grinned. "You guys are so cute!"

They rolled their eyes, but then Emmett's stomach growled. The Cullens stared at him.

"What was that?" He asked Bella worriedly.

"That's your stomach," Bella said. "You're probably hungry. I bet all of you are. Come on, I'll make you some dinner,"

She walked out of the room with the Cullens following her like ducklings follow their mom.

Once in the kitchen, the Cullens sat down at the table while Bella scratched her head in thought.

"What do kids like to eat?" She mumbled to herself. She looked through the cabinets, but they didn't have much.

She sighed. "I'll have to go grocery shopping--"

"Can we come with you?" Emmett asked, his eyes wide.

Bella tried to resist, she really did, but she couldn't. "Okay, let's go,"

"Yay!" He exclaimed and the six of them went to Bella's truck. Bella got in the driver's side and the five kids climbed in on the other side. They were sort of squished, and Edward was pressed against Bella's side (not that he minded), but it would have to do.

Rosalie reached forward to turn the radio on. She switched stations a few times, but when she didn't find anything worth listening to, she just sighed and turned it off.

"So how long are you guys stuck like this?" Bella asked as she turned into the grocery store.

"Three days," Edward answered sullenly.

Bella parked the truck, and she and the Cullens got out. Emmett skipped a little ways ahead of them as they entered the store.

Bella grabbed a cart and started pushing it, but then she felt a tug on her jeans. She looked down and Emmett was giving her the puppy eyes.

"Can Jasper and I please push the cart?" He asked.

"Okay," Bella said, melting.

"Can Rosalie and I ride in the cart?!" Alice asked excitedly.

"Sure," Bella chuckled and lifted them into the cart. They immediately started talking and giggling.

Bella felt someone take hold of her hand, and she looked down to see Edward grinning at her. She grinned back, and they made their way down the first aisle.

"They don't know what any of this tastes like, so I'll have to wing it," Bella muttered to herself. She started grabbing boxes and putting them in the cart next to Alice and Rosalie.

The next aisle was the frozen food section. Bella stopped at one fridge pulled out two pizzas.

"Every kid likes pizza," She said. She also grabbed some ice-cream before going down the next aisle.

This one had junk food. She grabbed a bag of chips and some pop.

"What's that?" Edward asked, pointing to a Hershey's candy bar.

"It's chocolate," Bella answered. She saw Edward's questioning look and she knelt down to explain. "Chocolate is sweet, and most people have it as a special treat. Some people even get it when they're sad. All in all it's really good…do you want to try some?"

Edward stared at her with wide eyes. "Sure, if that's okay,"

She chuckled. "It's fine," She grabbed a big bar of chocolate so then everyone could try some.

They continued shopping, Bella pulling items off the shelf randomly and putting them in the cart. Edward even carried a jug of orange juice when it wouldn't fit in the cart.

"Bella!" Emmett whined. "I'm hungry!"

"We're going to be leaving soon, okay?" She replied.

"Okay!"

Bella rolled her eyes.

While they were shopping, she started noticing people staring at them, and it made her feel nervous. One time, a girl came up to her.

"I'm sorry to bother you…your kids are just SO cute!" She squealed before walking away.

"But their not my--" She stopped and sighed.

This happened a couple times, and she just said 'thank you' and went her way.

Finally, they were done. She checked out, and everyone carried a bag back to the truck. They climbed in and before Bella started the truck, she dug around through the bags until she found the chocolate.

"Found it!" She exclaimed. She opened it and broke it up into five equal pieces and gave everyone a piece. "Go on, try it!"

They tentatively bit off a piece, chewed it, and then swallowed.

Edward stared at Bella in disbelief and shock. "That's good," He said.

Alice groaned in delight while Rosalie 'mmm'ed.

"This is very good, Bella," Jasper said. Emmett just nodded in agreement.

"Glad you guys like it," Bella replied as she pulled out of the parking lot. She headed back to the Cullen mansion. She pulled up to the house, and once again, everyone carried a bag inside. They placed them on the floor and then sat back down at the table.

Bella started rummaging through them, all the while mumbling to herself.

"Should I make them hamburgers? Or maybe pizza? What about pasta? Oh! I know! Hamburgers, macaroni and cheese, and some fruit…yeah, that'll work."

She then pulled out some hamburger meat, a couple boxes of Mac and cheese, and some different fruits she had bought. She started with boiling some water in a pot for the pasta. She took out the hamburgers, shaped them into patties, and put them on a pan and started cooking them. She found a cutting a board and a knife and started cutting up some kiwi, watermelon, cantaloupe, and some strawberries. She put them in a big bowl and put it on the table. She gave each of the Cullens a fork before saying,

"Try it, it's fruit. It's good, and it's healthy for you."

She turned back to the stove as the Cullens picked up their forks.

Emmett grasped the fork in his tiny hands and stabbed a piece of watermelon and stuck it in his mouth. The rest of them held their breath and watched as Emmett chewed the food.

SUDDENLY!

Out of the blue, Emmett started choking. He coughed and pounded on his chest, and his eyes started to water.

"Bella!" Rosalie shrieked.

"What's wrong?" She asked from around the corner. She took one look at Emmett, and screeched.

"Emmett!" She ran over to him and started hitting his back. He wheezed some more before coughing up his food. On the table was a pink lump and a black seed.

"Trying to kill me, woman?" Emmett accused, sitting back in his chair while gasping for breath.

"Emmett!" Edward growled—er…well, he _tried_ to growl.

"I guess I forgot to tell you," Bella said sheepishly. "Watermelon have seeds in them and you have to spit them out."

"You forgot to tell me, huh?" Emmett asked sarcastically and dubiously.

"Oh, just drop it, Emmett," Edward said, rolling his eyes. Bella chuckled nervously and went back to the kitchen to continue making dinner.

Emmett huffed. "Yeah, sure, okay. I'll just drop her almost killing me, no problem," He grumbled and stabbed another piece of watermelon. This time, he smirked and turned towards Jasper and spit the seeds at him. The seed flew and hit Jasper smack dab on the cheek.

Jasper's eye started twitching, and he furiously stabbed at a watermelon and stuck it in his mouth. As he was chewing, he turned towards Emmett and smirked at his laughing form. He then spit three seeds at him, which hit him on throat, face, and arm.

"Hey!" He shouted, his laughing fit over. Now it was Jasper's turn to laugh. Of course, Emmett wasn't having any of that, and stuck another piece of fruit in his mouth and spit the seeds at Jasper. Jasper glared at him and was about to get more ammo, but suddenly the bowl disappeared.

Jasper and Emmett looked up to see Bella glaring down at them, the bowl of fruit in her hands above her head.

"If you can't eat fruit without spitting it at each other, then you won't have fruit, period." She said. "So stop spitting the seeds at each other,"

"Yes, Bella," Emmett and Jasper said at the same time.

"Alright," She smiled sweetly. "Good news! Dinner is done!"

She went back to the kitchen and grabbed the plates that already had food on them. She put them in front of the kids before going back to grab condiments for the burgers.

"Dig in!" She said, and they each started taking small bites of the food on their plates. All of them liked it, except for Alice, who didn't like the Mac and cheese very much.

After dinner, the Cullens went upstairs to their bedrooms while Bella cleaned up the mess. She was used to this, of course, so she didn't mind.

As she was washing a plate, she couldn't help but think,

'_Today went exceptionally well, considering what happened to them,'_ She sighed. _'Two more days…'_

---**DAY TWO!!---**

It was around noon, and the Cullens and Bella were outside soaking up the sun that decided to shine today.

While the boys were throwing around a football, Bella decided to show Alice and Rosalie how to play hopscotch.

Alice and Rosalie followed Bella to the sidewalk. Bella was carrying a piece of chalk, and when she found a good spot, she started drawing the squares that made up the hopscotch game. She numbered them and then grabbed three rocks.

"Okay, this game is called hopscotch. You throw the rock and try to get it to land on the first square," She demonstrated what she just said by tossing the rock on square one. "Then, you hop over the square and continue hopping," She did so, got to the end, and turned around and came back. "Now, once you come back to the square your rock is on, you have to pick it up, and then you can hop on the square and finish." She did just that, and stood next to Rosalie and Alice, who had been watching in amazement.

"Are you ready?" Bella asked. They nodded.

"I want to go first!" Alice exclaimed.

"Okay,"

Alice aimed at the first square and threw it. It landed smack dab in the middle of the square. It seems their perfect vampire aim didn't leave them…

She hopped gracefully over the square and made her round on the hopscotch track, came back, and picked up her rock.

Rosalie went next, and of course, it landed perfectly in the middle of the square.

Bella's eyebrow twitched.

**---MEANWHILE!!---**

The boys were passing around the football, but Emmett had thrown it too high and it had got stuck in a tree.

"Emmett," Edward started in a deadpan voice as the three stared up at the tree. "I've noticed, lately, that you are a major cause of stress in my life,"

Emmett's eyes narrowed. "I can get it. Watch me." He said and started climbing the tree.

"Emmett!" Jasper said. "You'll fall and hurt yourself! Remember what Edward said about limits?!"

"Aw, limits shlimits!" He replied with a wave of his hand. Unfortunately, this caused him to lose his balance, and he teetered dangerously on a branch for a second before falling to the ground…

…and landing on Edward and Jasper.

"Emmett…" They growled dangerously.

Emmett chuckled sheepishly. "I suppose I should run…BELLA!" He screamed, jumping up and running towards her.

Bella was in the middle of hopping when she heard her name being screamed. She stopped and turned her head in the direction of the yell, but suddenly she was being tackled to the ground.

She fell and scraped her arms on the sidewalk. Her head snapped back and hit the pavement hard.

"Bella!" Edward yelled, running over to her. He knelt by her head. "Bella, are you okay?!" He asked frantically. She just groaned and sat up. She looked at her hands that were shaking slightly. She saw a few scrapes, but nothing major.

"I'm fine," She said.

Everyone glared at Emmett, who was smiling nervously.

"Uh, sorry, Bella!" He apologized.

"It's okay, Emmett," She sighed.

They decided to go inside then.

"Hey Edward!" Jasper said. "You think you still have Guitar Hero skills?"

"Let's find out," Edward replied with a smirk.

So, the two of them started taking turns playing songs. Emmett watched and cheered them on or booed them.

Alice sighed. "I'm still upset I can't go shopping," She said to Rosalie.

"I know how you feel," Rosalie replied.

Bella, however, was sitting at the table, looking at the kids with suspicion. She was surprised that the Cullens were taking this rather well. It was strange…almost _too_ strange…

Plus it was eerily calm…_too_ calm…

Something was going to happen. She knew it. Something…unexpected…

SUDDENLY THE SUPER-CRAZY-MENTALLY-ILL SECIENTIST POPS OUT (AGAIN)!

"AH!" Emmett screamed.

"I'm BAAACCK!" The scientist stated in a sing-song voice.

"Wait a minute!" The same random guy from 'Turn That Frown, Upside Down!' exclaimed.

"What now?!" Me, the author, asks irritably.

"I thought you said he was coming back in THREE days! Not two!"

"Oh…yeah…that's right…well, it's just such a LONG story that I FORGOT we only went through TWO days! Let's try again,"

Bella was sitting at the table, looking at the kids with suspicion. They were taking the whole 'kid for three days' thing well…almost _too _well.

She sighed. _'I'm over thinking this. I just need to relax…'_

So she leaned back in her chair and continued watching them.

**---LATER THAT NIGHT!!---**

The group of friends was sitting under the stars in lawn chairs. There was a fire glowing in front of them. They were roasting marshmallows and making s'mores.

"This has got to be the best food ever!" Emmett exclaimed with such conviction that Bella almost believed him.

"So tomorrow's your last day, right?" Bella asked as she finished making her s'more.

"Yup," Edward answered. "We don't know when he'll come, though,"

"I hope he comes soon," Alice said. "I'm tired of being in this tiny body,"

"But Alice," Emmett said. "You were a midget even when we were vampires. This shouldn't have been a big change for you,"

Alice glared at him coldly and flung a marshmallow at him, which he promptly ate.

"Thanks," He grinned.

Alice rolled her eyes and concentrated on the marshmallow she was currently roasting.

They continued eating s'mores, and they told stories as the night went on, but finally they decided to call it a day, and they went inside.

**---DAY THREE, THE FINAL DAY!!---**

The Cullen kids were eating breakfast at the table. They had chocolate chip pancakes and orange juice. Emmett was about to take a big bite, when suddenly…

THE SUPER-CRAZY-MENTALLY-ILL SECIENTIST POPS OUT!

"AH!" All of them screamed (well, Alice more than likely cheered…)

"Your days are up! Time to go back to the way you were!" He shouted and zapped them before disappearing.

**---MANY HOURS LATER!!---**

Edward, again, was the first to wake up.

"Hey! We're back to normal!" He exclaimed. This woke up the rest of the Cullens, and they cheered.

"Yay!" Alice screamed. "I can go shopping!"

Suddenly, they heard a groan, and a tiny voice say, "Damnit!"

They glanced at each other, and finally Edward glanced around the table. He saw a little girl with brown hair and brown eyes. She had her arms crossed as she looked up at Edward.

Edward's eyes widened. "Bella?"

---

**That's the end of the special! I thought I rushed the end a bit, but this was 13 pages people!**

**Anyways! I liked the ending. Kind of a cliffhanger, but I'm not doing another one of these. However, I will pop in specials every now and then, so watch out for those!**

**Three reasons this came later than usual:**

**It was LOOONG.**

**I was gone because I was busy with stuff.**

**I got a little sick and I haven't been in the mood to type.**

**So sorry about that, but at least I finished it!**

**Thanks for reading, and PLEASE review!!**

**--Panda**


	11. Pwned!

**Title: **Pwned!**  
Rating: **T**  
Character(s): **Emmett and Jasper**  
Summary: **Emmett questions what pwn means, and Jasper TRIES to get him to understand. "Damn those ninjas!"

**Word Count: **673

**Note: Sorry for not updating in a LONG time. I've just been really really busy. Anyways, this is the shortest one, but I still loved it!**

**Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight!**

**----**

**Pwned!**

**----**

"Hey Jasper!" Emmett yelled from behind said man, scaring said man so badly that said man jumped about three feet into the air.

"What?!" Jasper answered.

"What does 'pwn' mean?"

"Pwn?"

"Yeah, pwn,"

"Where did you hear that?" Jasper chuckled.

"Well…"

_FLASHBACK!!_

_Emmett was skipping to his locker when suddenly he heard Mike and Eric talking. _

"_So, here comes Anthony all like 'Yeah, that's stupid,' and I was all like 'Your mom is stupid!'" Mike said. _

_Eric laughed. "Dude, you totally pwned him!"_

"_I know, right?!"_

_They laughed and walked away._

_END FLASHBACK!!_

Jasper laughed. "Those two are idiots. Emmett, pwn is just another way to say own. Like I totally owned you at Halo yesterday," He smirked.

"Oh…hey!" Emmett yelled.

**----ONE WEEK LATER!!!----**

"Damn those ninjas!" Emmett yelled.

"Ninjas?" Jasper asked.

"Yes, ninjas. They just totally popped out of nowhere and karate chopped my ass before disappearing! They totally pwned me!"

Jasper sighed. "You're going to start saying 'pwn' all the time, aren't you?"

"You betcha!"

"Emmett, can't you ever NOT be annoying?"

"Nope!"

Five seconds later.

"Pwned!" He shouted and started laughing.

"Oh, brother," Jasper muttered.

**----LATER THAT WEEK!!!----**

The Cullens plus Bella were sitting at their usual table and eating lunch when suddenly Mike came up to Bella.

"Hey, Bella! Where are you going to college?"

"Your mom goes to college!" She replied.

"Oh snap!" Edward said dramatically and snapped his fingers.

"You need some ice for that burn?" Alice asked seriously.

"You just got pwned!" Emmett yelled.

**----A MONTH LATER----**

"Hi, I'm Emmett, and you're watching another episode of 'Pwned!'" Emmett said to the camera with a cheesy grin. "Today we are going to the mall to pwn some people."

AT THE MALL!!

A girl was talking with her boyfriend. The camera zoomed in on them.

"I just don't think we can be together anymore, now that I'm moving," She said looking away dramatically.

"Can't we try a long distance relationship?" He asked desperately.

"No, we can't. There's no other way. I must leave!" She announced and left.

Suddenly, Emmett popped up out of nowhere.

"You just got pwned!" He shouted in the guys face before him and the camera guy ran away.

When they were far enough away, they stopped. "Now, for our next victim!"

A girl was shopping and she came across a beautiful cashmere sweater that was turquoise. She rummaged through the rack, but didn't find her size.

"They don't have my size!" She whined.

Emmett suddenly walked up to her, put his arm around her, shouted "Pwned!" then ran away.

"Well, fans, this concludes another episode of--"

"Sir," A policeman said, coming up to Emmett. "We've been looking for you. You're under arrest for illegal camera use and pwning people."

"What?!" Emmett shouted as the guy put handcuffs on him and led him towards the police car. "But, but, but! I'm a celebrity! My fans need me!"

"Yeah, yeah, tell it to the judge!" He shouted, shoved Emmett in the car, and slammed the door shut.

**----IN COURT----**

"Emmett Cullen, I hereby sentence you to jail for three days with a bail of five hundred dollars. Court dismissed!"

Emmett gaped at the judge, and he was led to the sheriff's office.

"You get one phone call," The guard said.

Emmett picked up the phone and dialed.

"Hello?"

"Edward!"

"What do you want, Emmett?" Edward groaned.

"I'm in jail, and I need you to bail me out!"

Silence.

"Please?"

"…I don't even want to know why you are in jail, but fine. I'll come over.

"Yay!"

**----EDWARD ARRIVES AND BAILS HIM OUT----**

"Thanks, Eddie!" Emmett said when they were walking to Edward's Volvo.

"Don't call me Eddie," Edward growled, and drove them home.

"So, Emmett, what did we learn today?" Jasper asked.

"Edward is loaded!" Emmett shouted. "Man, I saw his wallet, and there was like seven credit cards and at _least_ a thousand dollars in cash, and not to mention--"

Jasper face palmed himself and groaned.

----

**Hahaha!! Eddie's pretty rich!**

**Review please!**

**--Panda**


	12. Emmett the 70's Man!

**Title: **Emmett the 70's Man**  
Rating: **G for Grooviness!**  
Character(s): **The Cullens **  
Summary: **Emmett looks through a box with all his 70's stuff, but after looking through it, he decides the 70's weren't that bad. "For the love of--! Emmett…what the _hell_ are you wearing?!"

**Word Count:** 888

**Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or "Get Down Tonight" by KC and the Sunshine Band!!**

**----**

**Emmett the 70's Man**

**----**

"Why are we up here?" Emmett asked.

"For the millionth time, Emmett!" Edward shouted. "Esme wants us to clean the attic!"

"But why us?!"

"Because we pulled that prank on Rosalie, remember?"

"Oh yeah…"

The two brothers climbed the stairs to the attic and entered the dusty room. There was boxes and old furniture and clothes and—

"AH!!" Emmett suddenly screamed.

"What?!" Edward asked, alarmed.

"Spider! Kill it!"

Edward face palmed himself.

"Where did you see the spider, Emmett?" He asked.

"Over there! In the corner!" Emmett squealed.

Edward sighed and walked over to the corner. He found the creature and squashed it between his thumb and index finger **(Woot! Go Edward! Yay!)**

"Yay!"

----

"Hey Edward, look at this," Emmett said, motioning for Edward to come over.

"What?" Edward replied, walking over.

"It's my stuff from the seventies!"

"You kept that stuff?" Edward asked in disbelief.

"Yup!"

Emmett pulled out his flattened afro from the box, fluffed it up, and put it on his head.

Edward laughed. "Remember all the girls fluffing that for you? And then they found out it was fake?!" Edward asked, laughing harder.

"I still remember Sally's scream…" Emmett reminisced. "It hurt like hell! It was so high pitched!"

Edward went to the box and pulled out a pair of bell bottom jeans and platform go-go boots. Edward snorted.

"Oh my gosh! Those were the bomb!" Emmett exclaimed, snatching the boots from Edward. "These were, as I recall, 'Groovy, man!'" Emmett said, mimicking a girl's voice.

Emmett pulled out a button down silk shirt and some chains and rings.

Emmett smirked, grabbed the stuff and shouted to Edward,

"I'll be right back!"

**----THE NEXT DAY----**

The Cullens (and Bella) were sitting at their lunch table when suddenly Alice had a vision. She groaned. Edward read her mind and burst out laughing.

"What?" Bella asked, but just then Emmett burst through the cafeteria doors…

…wearing his silk button down shirt, chains and rings, bell-bottom pants, platform go-go boots, and afro.

It was silent as he strode towards the Cullen's table, but then people broke out into talk and giggling, pointing at Emmett.

"For the love of--! Emmett…what the _hell_ are you wearing?!" Rosalie asked.

"You really outdid yourself, didn't you?" Jasper asked with a shake of his head.

Bella stared at Emmett in disbelief as he popped his collar. He took out a pick from his pocket, fluffed his afro, and then left it there.

"Emmett, there's a reason those clothes are out of style," Bella said.

"Sorry to burst your bubble, Bella," Emmett said. "But chicks dig this!"

A couple of girls walked by him and giggled, so Emmett flashed them a cheesy grin.

Alice suddenly had another vision. "Emmett! Don't you dare!"

"Oh I dare," He replied and jumped up onto an empty table. Out of nowhere, he pulled out a radio and a microphone. He pressed play on the radio and KC and the Sunshine Band's song "Get Down Tonight" started playing.

Jasper didn't think it could get any worse, that is, until Emmett started singing in a high pitched voice.

_**Do a little dance,  
**__**Make a little love,  
**__**Get down tonight!  
**__**Get down tonight!  
**__**Do a little dance,  
**__**Make a little love,  
**__**Get down tonight!  
**__**Get down tonight!  
**__**Get down, get down, get down, get down, get down tonight baby! (Oooohh)  
**__**Get down, get down, get down, get down, get down tonight baby! (now, now, now, now)**_

The principal of the school burst through the doors and was about to make Emmett stop what he was doing, but the principal froze.

"I love this song!" He shouted, grinned, then started dancing, doing moves from the seventies.

The kids were shocked at first, but then they got up from their tables and joined the principal.

The Cullens stared in disbelief before shrugging and joining everyone else.

_**Get down, get down, get down, get down, get down tonight baby! (Oooohh)  
**__**Get down, get down, get down, get down, get down tonight baby! (now, now, now, now)**_

**----LATER THAT DAY!!!----**

"That was fun!" Emmett shouted. "We should do it again sometime!"

JUST THEN the doorbell rang. Emmett got up to answer the door and saw everyone from school plus the principal dressed up in seventies clothes.

"Party!" Emmett shouted and the mansion suddenly turned into a dance floor complete with a disco ball and a stage. The Cullens changed into their seventies clothes and joined Emmett up on the stage.

_**Do a little dance,  
**__**Make a little love,  
**__**Get down tonight!  
**__**Get down tonight!  
**__**Do a little dance,  
**__**Make a little love,  
**__**Get down tonight!  
**__**Get down tonight!**_**  
**

Suddenly, the door opened, and in came Carlisle and Esme. Esme looked angry.

"Why didn't anyone tell us you were having a seventies party?!" She asked then smiled. Suddenly, her and Carlisle were in their seventies clothes. They stepped on the dance floor and everyone formed a circle around them as they started dancing.

_**Get down, get down, get down, get down, get down tonight baby! (Oooohh)  
**__**Get down, get down, get down, get down, get down tonight baby! (now, now, now, now  
**__**Get down, get down, get down, get down, get down tonight baby! (Oooohh)  
**__**Get down, get down, get down, get down, get down tonight baby! (now, now, now, now)**_

----

**Lol! I liked how the principal started dancing! **

**Thanks for reading and review please!**

**--Panda**


	13. Pudding!

**Title:** Pudding!  
**Rating:** K  
**Character(s):** Edward and Bella  
**Summary:** One day, while Bella was eating her lunch, Edward found out about the existence of pudding. "It's like creamy jell-o!"

**Word Count:** 1,300

**Sorry for the long wait! Busy schedule.**

**Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight!**

----

**Pudding!**

**----**

It was a Saturday afternoon, and Bella was eating some lunch before Edward took her over to the Cullen's place.

Bella was chewing contentedly on her peanut butter and jelly sandwich, when suddenly Edward appeared out of nowhere with a cup of pudding in his hand.

"What's this?" He asked her, pointing to the cup.

"It's pudding. Where did you get that, anyways?"

"Your pantry,"

"Why were you in the pantry?"

"I was curious as to what was in it then I saw this and I didn't know what it was. So…is it any good?"

"Yeah, sure. The best kind is chocolate," She sighed with a dreamy expression on her face.

Edward let her fantasize about chocolate while he investigated this "pudding."

He opened the container, took a sniff, and dropped it before shuddering. It smelled _horrible!_ How could anybody like this offending food?!

He looked down at the pudding on the floor. It had splattered on impact, and there was even a drip of chocolate on his shoe.

_Note to self—burn shoes, _Edward thought dryly.

He then turned to look at Bella, who was glaring at him. "You're cleaning that up,"

"Alright," He replied. "But Bella…I _forbid_ you from eating pudding!"

"What?! Why?!"

"Because it is an evil substance and I will not have that _slime_ in your digestive tract!"

"Well…you can't tell me what to do!" She replied and swept dramatically out of the kitchen and stomped up the stairs.

Edward's eye twitched uncontrollably.

-----

The next day, it was lunchtime at school. Edward went and sat down with the rest of his family as Bella went through the line.

"Pizza? Again?" Bella mumbled to herself. She grabbed a slice and some fruit, and just as she was about to pay for her lunch, she saw it.

Chocolate pudding.

She excitedly grabbed it and then remembered Edward's words (lol…Edward's words…haha).

" _I _forbid_ you from eating pudding!"_

She huffed and stuck the container on her tray.

After paying for her food, she went and sat down across from Edward.

Said man quickly scanned her tray, partly because of curiosity and partly because he didn't want anything very unhealthy going down his fiancé's throat, when he saw it.

He shivered from the memory of the repugnant stench before glaring at Bella. Said girl glared back a glared that both rivaled Edward's glared and made Emmett whimper pathetically.

"Wimp," Rosalie commented with a roll of her eyes and continued watching the unfolding scene.

"Bella," Edward said sharply. "What is _that?_"

"You know what it is," Bella replied with a hard tone.

She picked the container up.

"Bella…" Edward warned.

She peeled back the cover.

"Bella, I'm warning you…"

She picked up her spoon and dipped it in the dessert.

Edward tensed. Bella slowly brought it to her mouth, and Edward…

What did Edward do?

He stopped her, of course. He lunged across the table and knocked the pudding out of Bella's hands, which of course caused her to fall back in her chair. Edward, who was on the ground, stopped Bella's chair from hitting the ground as she squealed.

However, there was another squeal, and the cafeteria was suddenly quiet.

Everyone looked over to see Lauren with chocolate pudding dripping from her hair.

Everyone was still, and Bella glanced between Lauren and Edward, but then some guy stood up and yelled, "FOOD FIGHT!"

And all hell broke loose.

A piece of lettuce got caught in Alice's spiky hair, and she screamed. A piece of cake (thrown up in the air by Emmett—go figure—) landed down Rosalie's shirt, and she screamed like there was no tomorrow.

"Emmett, you retard!" She yelled and chased after him (at human speed) with a bottle of juice in her hands. When she got to him, he screamed like a girl as she pinned him down with an evil grin and squirted it all over his face and clothes.

Jasper, who was smart—unlike his siblings—had tipped a table on its side and used it as a shield with Alice. The two of them snatched food from the air and threw it at random people.

"This is fun," Alice giggled and threw an apple at someone. It hit them on the head and they fell to the ground and did a face plant in some cake.

Back with Bella and Edward…Bella and Edward were standing about three feet apart and Bella was yelling at him while Edward was defending himself.

"Edward!" Bella yelled. "It's just _pudding!_ Grow up!"

"Bella, you know very well that I _can't _grow up!" Edward replied sternly.

"You know what I mean!"

Suddenly, the doors burst open and the principal walked in with a stunned expression.

Then he got very angry. "HEY!" He yelled, and everyone stopped. "SENIORS REPORT TO THE GYM, _NOW!_"

People cringed as they rushed to the gym with bits of food falling off of their clothes and hair.

When everyone got to the gym, they sat down against the wall, and despite their arguments, Bella sat right next to Edward.

"I can't believe you guys!" The principal (Let's call him Jeff :D) said. "I'm disappointed in all of you, and you will _all_ come after school to clean up the mess." _Jeff_ glared at them, challenging them to protest. "Now, who started all of this?"

Bella and Edward glanced at each other, but then they quickly turned their heads away.

"It was those two!" Lauren shrieked and pointed at Edward and Bella.

Jeff the principal blinked in shock. "What?"

"It was me, sir," Edward said and stood up.

"It was my fault too," Bella said. She wasn't about to let him get all the credit.

Mr. Jeff stared at them before weakly saying, "You two, come with me. The rest of you, report to the cafeteria after school to clean. If you don't, a month's worth of detention. Consider yourselves lucky. Now get to class!"

Everyone scuttled off to class, including the Cullens.

_I hope Eddie-boy gets in big trouble!_ Edward heard Emmett's thoughts and glared at him.

"Come on you two." Señor Jeff (pronounced "heff") said. They followed him to his office, looking at anything but each other.

Once they stepped inside the small office, they took a seat and the one called Jeff said, "Alright, explain. You two are probably the most well-behaved in this school, and yet you start a food fight?"

"It's all _his_ fault!" Bella accused pointing an accusatory finger at the man being accused (Edward).

"_What?!"_ Edward bellowed.

"It's the truth! I was eating pudding and then all of a sudden he jumped across the table and wacked it out of my hand! He's a mad man, I tell ya!"

"Mad man?! I was protecting you!"

"Protecting?" Monsieur Jeff questioned.

"He thinks that pudding is going to take over my body some day and I'm going to die," Bella explained calmly.

"I do not think that!" Edward scoffed.

"Well it SEEMS like it!"

"ENOUGH!!" Jeff (the dungeon master) yelled. "The two of you are acting like a bunch of lunatics! Edward, get it in your head that pudding is harmless! It's just a delicious treat that everyone enjoys….well, except for you, but that's not the point! Point is, you need to get over this…this… _phobia._ Now, get back to class."

"Wait, so no punishment?"

"No, now go!"

Bella gave a small salute before scuttling out the door with Edward.

Once outside, Edward said, "I'm sorry, Bella. I didn't mean to get you into trouble. And I'm sorry about taking things too far."

"It's alright Edward. I know you were just looking out for me." She was about to lean in and give him a kiss, but then he said,

"I still forbid you from eating pudding."

Bella screamed.

----

**So what did you think? I'm a little rusty, but I think you got the gist.**

**Did everyone notice Jeff the Wonderful Wizard's titles? When I was writing this, I was like "He can't just be called Jeff" and so I put in different ones. I like Jeff (the dungeon master). That was my favorite :D**

**Review please!!**

**--Panda**


	14. We Hate Taylor Swift!

**Title: **We Hate Taylor Swift!**  
Character(s): **The Cullens and Bella**  
Summary: **Title says it all…Emmett starts a "We Hate Taylor Swift" fan club at school.

**Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight!**

* * *

"_You belong with meeee me, you belong with me!"_

"Psh, you belong with your MAMA!" Emmett exclaimed, slamming the off button on his radio. The radio smashed into pieces due to his vampire force.

"EMMETT! Stop breaking radios!" Rosalie screeched.

"But it was Taylor Swift!" He whined.

Rosalie blinked. "Yeah you're right. She's AWFUL!"

"Amen sista!"

"Emmett!" Alice sung, prancing into his room. "We should start a fan club!"

"Oooh, goody! What kind of fan club?!"

"A "We Hate Taylor Swift" club silly!"

"Let's do it! Rose, you in?"

"Definitely."

"Yay! ALICE! Let's go ask the prude!"

Edward stomped into the room and punched Emmett. "I am NOT a prude!"

"Says the man who is over a hundred years old and has never had sex…" Emmett mumbled, earning yet another punch.

"DAMMIT EDWARD! STOP PUNCHING ME OR I WON'T LET YOU INTO MY—"

"Our," Alice interjected.

"—OUR FAN CLUB!"

Edward scoffed. "Like I would want to join your STUPID club…"

"GAH!" Emmett attacked Edward and sat on him.

"GOD Emmett! Get off me you fat cow!"

"I'm not fat! And I am most certainly NOT a COW! Now JOIN our FAN CLUB or I will SHAVE your HAIR in THE middle OF the NIGHT!"

"Why are you stressing random words?"

"Why are you training a monkey to be your pet?!"

"I'm not training a monkey to be my pet…"

"LIAR!"

"What's with all the yelling?" Jasper asked, strutting in.

"JASPER!" Emmett yelled. He ran up and locked him in a head lock.

"Join our club! OR ELSE!"

"What club?!" Jasper asked, kicking Emmett in the stomach.

"The "We Hate Taylor Swift" fan club! Me and Alice are going to start one at school! So you should join!"

"…Or not. I think that's lame. No offense, Alice."

"Yeah, you can count me out," Edward the Prude said.

--Edward turns to author—"HEY!"

Me: "Sorry, but Emmett's right. You ARE a prude…a very sexy one at that…" I mumbled the last part.

ANYWAYS! BACK TO STORY!

After school, Emmett and Alice appeared at the front desk wearing matching anti-Taylor Swift shirts. They two stared at the receptionist, who gave them a bored look.

"Hello, Ma'am," Emmett said, trying to be sexy.

The lady blinked. "What?" She snapped.

Emmett grinned. "Me and my sister here would like to start a club,"

"Fill these out," She demanded, shoving some papers in his face. Emmett sniffed and snatched them from her.

"How rude…" He mumbled. "YOU ARE THE KIND OF PERSON WHO CAUSES GLOBAL WARMING! Anyways, ALICE! Help me fill these out!"

1. What is the name of your club? **WE HATE TAYLOR SWIFT!**

2. What is your club saying? **Taylor Swift SUCKS EGGS!**

3. What is your club motto? **Taylor Swift sucks. She cannot sing, and she is ugly.**

4. When will your club be meeting? **After school every day!**

5. What activities will your club do? **We'll make hateful crafts of Taylor Swift and we'll do protests and we'll make club jackets!**

6. Why should you be allowed this club? **Because this is a serious issue that needs to be resolved!**

"I'M DONE!" Emmett shouted.

"Great." The receptionist deadpanned. She took them from Emmett. "You'll find out if you get your club tomorrow."

"YAY! ALICE! LET'S GO TO THE CULLEN CAVE!"

"Okay!"

**THE NEXT DAY!!!**

"WE GOT IT!!" Emmett shouted, jumping up and down with Alice like he was a girl and they just got a two week shopping spree in the biggest mall in the world.

"Oh…my…God…" Edward groaned, hitting his head on the table repeatedly.

"I WANNA JOIN!" Bella screeched, jumping with the two.

"NOOOO!" Edward screamed. "DON'T DO IT BELLA!!!"

"TOO LATE! You can definitely join, girlfriend!" Emmett said in a gay voice, snapping his fingers in the Z-formation. "Here's a t-shirt!"

"AHH!" Bella squealed, putting the shirt on.

"NOOO!" Edward screamed again. Someone from the audience threw a brick at his head and the brick snapped in two. Edward didn't even bat an eye as he "sobbed his heart out."

"How could I let this happen?" He asked himself.

"Weeeeell for starters—" Emmett started.

"SHUT UP! I DON'T WANT TO HEAR YOUR CRAP!"

"YOU'RE SO MEAN TO ME! I HATE YOU! Let's start a "We Hate Edward" fan club!"

"YEAH!" Bella and Alice exclaimed.

"NOOO!!"

"I was just kidding Edward! Jesus…is a good man! Calm DOWN, DAMMIT!"

"Annnnyways…" Alice said. "Let's start our club!"

They three went to the room they were assigned for their club. They cleaned it up and made a sign for the door that said, "Taylor Swift haters welcomed here! Lovers will be shot on sight…seriously, they will. We're not kidding. So just stay away. Or else we'll shoot you. Seriously."

Yeah, it was that long. Seriously.

Then they made a banner that said Taylor Swift with a big 'X' over it. They put up a picture of her on a dart board, made a crafts area for making hate crafts, and they hung up a model of the t-shirt they were selling.

"We're done!"

"Yay!"

"Awesome!"

…

…

…

"Now what do we do?" Emmett asked.

"Weeeee waaaaait for peeeeeople to jooooooin!" Alice replied.

"Why are you talking like that?" Bella asked.

"Becaaaaaaause it's fuuuuuuuun!"

"Okay, okay, let me try! Hiiiiiii Emmmmmmeeettt! OH MY GOSH! THAT IS FUN!"

"GUUUUUYS! Oh damn, that is fun. AHHH! Focus!" Emmett yelled.

Just then, someone walked in. Emmett screamed like a girl. "WELCOME, FRIEND!"

"Uh, hey," The guy said. For some reason he wasn't wearing a t-shirt. "Can I have a t-shirt?"

"Of COURSE you can! We'll be selling jackets in a week!"

"Yeah whatever. I just needed a shirt." He slipped it on. "Later." He said and walked out the door.

"Whhhhaaaat a looooooser!" Bella crowed.

"Yeaaaaaaah! Heeeee's sooooo patheeeeeeetic!" Alice chirped.

Meanwhile, Emmett couldn't wipe the grin off his face. He was smiling on the outside, but on the inside he was yelling with rage and disbelief.

A few weeks passed, and the three remained to be the only member of the WHTS club. Because of this, the principal had to shut them down.

Emmett now sat in his room, moping about the "Glory Days."

He sighed. "I miss our club."

Alice pranced in. "Iiiiiit's okaaaaaaay! I missssss it tooooo!"

Edward walked in all smug. "I knew it wouldn't work."

"Shut up you…you…SHEEP! Yes, you are a FAT, UGLY, TOO-FLUFFY SHEEP!"

"Ouch," Edward said sarcastically.

Emmett narrowed his eyes. "I'm going to start a We Hate Edward Cullen fan club!"

"HA! I'm not falling for that one again!"

"No, seriously I am."

"Seriously?"

"Seriously."

"Oh."

…

…

…

"Seriously?"

"Yes. And YOU are not invited!"

"NOOOO!!"

* * *

**Wow I haven't written anything in a long time. This wasn't very funny. But, whatever! Hopefully I'll get in the groove again :D**

**Seriously, people, review. Seriously. **

**:D**

**--Panda**


	15. Dirty Jokes

**Title: **Dirty Jokes**  
Character(s): **The Cullens**  
Summary: **Emmett starts cracking dirty jokes.

**:D Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight!**

**

* * *

**

"Bella, would you butter my muffin?"

Bella choked on her milk and Edward growled.

"What the hell, Emmett?!" Edward exclaimed.

Rosalie hit him on the back of the head and Jasper and Alice laughed.

"What?!" Emmett cried. "I'm merely asking Bella to butter my muffin!"

"That's gross, Emmett," Jasper chuckled.

"Why don't you go butter your own muffin and leave my girlfriend alone?!" Edward growled.

"Silly Edward! You know that's not possible!"

"…"

* * *

"Why are heeeeeeere?" Emmett whined to Rosalie. They were currently at a store in the mall.

"You didn't have to come with me. In fact, I have no idea why you came with me…" Rose replied.

"Hmmm…" Emmett's brow furrowed. "OH YEAH! I need boxers! I'll be right back, Rose!"

Rosalie groaned. "Oh dear God…"

A couple minutes later, Emmett came back with an assortment of boxers in his arms.

"Okay," He said. "There are ones with doughnuts and bananas—which I think is kind of kinky--, the ones with cocks on them (which were actually chickens), and then there's one with a big pecker on it (which was actually an eagle). Which one do you like better?"

Rosalie smacked him across the face. "You pervert!"

"Hehehe…"

* * *

Carlisle was in his study, um….studying, when suddenly—

"DAD! HELP ME!" He heard Emmett yell.

Carlisle stopped and froze.

"DAD!" He heard again. He sprinted towards the bathroom where Emmett was by the toilet, reaching his hand inside.

"What's wrong?!" Carlisle asked frantically.

"I dropped my balls in the toilet!"

And that's when Carlisle knew that Emmett was just kidding.

"What do you want me to do about it?" Carlisle deadpanned.

"Help me get my balls back!"

"Yeah…no…I think you can manage your own balls."

"NOOO!! DAD!!"

* * *

"Hey Allllllliiiiiicce!" Emmett called.

"No Emmett," She called back.

"YES."

"NO."

Emmett raced to her room. "I just have to ask a question."

She sighed. "Fine. What?"

"Do you like the color white?"

"…I guess."

"Do you like white stuff?"

"Sure."

"YOU ARE A SICK WOMAN!"

"What—AH! Gross Emmett! Get OUT!" She shoved him out of her room and into the wall, where he cracked the wall a bit.

* * *

"JASPER! I want to tell you a joke!"

"No. You're on a dirty joke phase, and God knows it'll be even worse than usual."

"I promise it's not that dirty."

"No, Emmett."

"Well TOO BAD! I'm going to tell it!"

Jasper sighed.

"Okay, okay…Jasper, do you like fish sticks?"

"No."

"Say yes!"

"Yes."

"Do you like putting fish sticks in your mouth?—say yes."

"Yes."

"Are you a gay fish, Jasper?"

"…That's disgusting, Emmett."

"AH! Did you get it?!"

"Unfortunately."

"You've officially been hit with the Emmett Joke Disease! You won't be able to get it out of your head, now! AHAHAHA!"

* * *

Emmett walked down the mall with Edward.

"See that lady over there?" Emmett asked, pointing towards some chick.

"Yeah?"

"I'd hit that…with my CAR! AH!"

"That's not funny, Emmett."

--Random audience member—"That's not even a dirty joke!"

"Yes it is!" Emmett screamed back. "Now sit down and be quiet!"

**THE NEXT DAY!!!**

Edward, Rosalie, Bella, Alice, and Jasper met in the small closet found in their house. It could barely fit them in it, and the reason they met up there was because Emmett hated this closet.

"Okay, we have to do something about Emmett's dirty joke phase." Edward said.

"Yes, we do. We shall form the alliance Stop Emmett Cullen, a.k.a. SEC." Alice said. "I think we need to hit him where it hurts. We need to think up the dirtiest joke ever that he won't be able to have sex for a month! Sorry Rose."

Rose just blinked.

"So SEC's **(Say "SEC's" out loud) **plan is to mentally disturb Emmett?" Jasper asked.

"Yup." Alice replied.

Suddenly, Bella, who had been quiet, was smited with the greatest idea known to prank history. "I have an idea…"

* * *

"LA LA LA!" Emmet sang as he skipped towards his house. When he got there, he saw Edward…

…watering the garden?

And the way he was holding the hose…

Oh dear God.

"EDWARD!" Emmett gasped, scandalized. "What the hell are you doing?!"

"Watering the garden," Edward called back, acting confused.

Emmett just shivered and hurried inside.

Jasper and Alice were laying side by side on the floor, only their legs sticking out so Emmett could see them. They were trying not to laugh.

Alice giggled. "Stop it Jasper! That tickles!"

"But I thought you liked it?"

"Well yeah, but not here in the living room where people can hear us…"

Emmett yelled in fright and hurried up the stairs, afraid he would see something that would scar his mind forever.

He went to go to his room, but stopped when he heard moaning coming from inside.

"Oh!" He heard Bella moan. "It's SOOO soft!"

"Thank you," He heard Rose reply. "I work hard to keep it that way,"

Emmett started hyperventilating. There's no way…

He yelled his battle cry and burst through the door, expecting to see something gross…

…but all he saw were confused looks from Bella and Rosalie. They were sitting on the ground, and Bella was holding a cashmere sweater.

"Emmett?" Rose asked. "Are you okay?"

"But…I…you…"

"I think the dirtiness is getting to your mind, Emmett…" Bella chided, making a tsking sound in the back of her throat.

"But Alice and Jasper—"

"Are helping Esme put new feathers in the pillows so they are fluffier."

Emmett felt stupid now.

Bella and Rose couldn't take it any longer. They burst out laughing.

Emmett frowned. "I'm confused."

"Oh MAN!"

"You should have seen the look on your face!"

"AH!"

"God Emmett! You have a dirty mind!"

Edward, Alice, and Jasper walked in then, each one holding a smirk.

"Wait, you guys PLANNED that?!" Emmett asked incredulously.

"Yup. You were really annoying, so we decided to play a prank on you."

"For a second there I thought—never mind." Emmett said.

"What?"

"Nothing. It's not important. ANYWAYS! Who's up for some white stuff?!"

"EMMETT!"

"I was talking about VANILLA ICE CREAM! Jeez, guys!"

* * *

**And so ends the dirty jokes. This still wasn't very funny. Hopefully the next one will be though. The Cullens (and Bella) go on a talk show… :D**

**Oh, and if you don't get the fish sticks joke, say it outloud. If you've seen South Park, you'll get it right away. **

**Thanks for reading! Review please!**

**--Panda**


	16. Edward's Playground

**Title: **Edward's Playground**  
Characters: **Edward and the Cullens.**  
Summary: **First it was the box, now it's—dun dun DUN!--…Slumberland. "Don't ever leave him in Slumberland!" Alice shouted. "Too late." Jasper said. "Damn you!"

**Word Count: **1,427

**SEQUEL TO EDWARD'S BOX!!**

**Hmm…ENJOY!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight!**

**

* * *

**

The Cullens wanted to get some new furniture from Slumberland. Er, well, actually, Esme was the only one who wanted to, but she wanted them there so they could pick it out together as a FAMILY!

Well, let's just say they weren't very enthused.

However, they couldn't go today because A) _somebody_ cough-Emmett-cough hid their money, and B) they needed to go hunting.

That is, everyone but Edward.

"What am I supposed to do all day?!" He exclaimed.

"Well, what do you usually do?" Esme asked.

"I hang out with Bella, but she's hanging out with Angela today…"

"Well, why don't you go to Slumberland and get a head start."

"No." Edward crossed his arms defiantly. "I'll just stay here and wallow in misery."

Esme just rolled her eyes. "Whatever you do, don't do anything stupid." And she left.

Edward, do something stupid? It was laughable, but not impossible.

**----LATER THAT DAY!!!!-----**

In one of the corners of the house, Edward sat there, his knees drawn up to his chest. If he didn't do something soon, he was going to go crazy!

"…_go to Slumberland…"_

DAMNIT!

"Fine." Edward said, getting up. "I'll humor her."

**IN THE GARAGE!!!!**

Edward stared at his baby. His silver, shiny Volvo. He hugged the front of it. "OH how I love you Bessie."

Thank God no one was here to witness this.

Edward patted the hood of his car before getting in and driving off to Slumberland.

**WITH ALICE!!!**

"NOOO!" She screamed, falling to her knees. Jasper was immediately by her side

"What?!" He asked frantically.

"EDWARD WENT TO SLUMBERLAND!"

"…And?"

"HE'S IN MENTAL EDWARD MODE!"

"Oh damn. We have a problem."

"JASPER! We have to stop him! Remember when he had the box?!"

**FLASHBACK TO EDWARD'S BOX**

**Edward brought the periscope down and stood up so just his eyes and hair was seen. His hands were grasping the edge of the box.**

"**Where did you get that information? Are you some sort of spy?" He asked suspiciously.**

**Alice and Rosalie chuckled, but that was the wrong thing to do.**

**Edward's eyes narrowed, and he glared at them. He ducked back into his box. He quickly made a paper hat and put it on his head.**

"**This means war," He whispered to himself. He then made little paper balls that, when thrown with vampire speed, were deadly. He made a few hundred of them, gathered them in his arms, and then quickly stood up to his full height, and started pelting both girls with them.**

**END FLASHBACK**

"It's not good, Jasper. Funny—but NOT GOOD! He's already there, and if we don't do something, he'll do some serious damage!"

"Well then let's go."

"You have to finish hunting. I'll get everyone else while you finish."

"Okay."

Alice sprinted off. _Damn you, Edward._

**BACK WITH EDWARD!!!!**

Edward entered the store with a dazed look on his face. There was so much STUFF! Couches and tables and lamps--OH MY!

There were also beds, chairs, and other decorative stuff. It was wonderful!

Edward smirked. _Perfect._

Edward stalked off towards the farthest corner of the store, grabbing a chair, a lamp, a desk, and a mattress on the way. Once in the corner, he put the mattress on top of the bed, and then grabbed one more mattress and piled it on top of the previous mattress so he now had a tower of some sort. He went and pushed the desk next to the tower (those mattresses were pretty dang big) and put the chair on top of the desk. He then went and pulled some drapes off of a stand and tied it around his neck like a cape. Then, he went to one of the tables that was used for show and took the plastic bowl that was sitting on it. He put it on his head like a crown. Using his lamp as a staff, he climbed onto the desk and onto the chair to get on his massive tower.

"Ah ha!" He exclaimed, everyone in the store oblivious to Mental Edward's creation. "My subjects of the Land of Slumber! Welcome your new king!"

A little girl pointed at him. "Mommy! Look at the king!"

"That's nice dear…" She replied, not caring.

Mental Edward frowned when his subjects did not turn to applaud him.

"Ah, sir?" A worker asked, coming up to Mental Edward's tower.

"You will address me as Your Highness!" Edward screeched back.

"Oh, um…Your Highness? What you are doing is illegal."

Edward frowned and climbed down from his tower. "What do you mean, good sir?"

"Umm, you aren't allowed to make towers…"

"Who has enforced this law?"

"…the CEO."

Edward puffed his chest out. "Then I will find this CEO and free you all from this AWFUL law!"

The worker sighed. "SECURITY!"

**(For maximum awesomeness when reading this story, I recommend listening to "Bad Reputation" by Joan Jett and the Blackhearts :D)**

But Edward had already run off. He was jumping from bed to bed, scaring a couple who was trying out the softness level of one mattress.

"AHAHA!" He laughed maniacally. "You can't stop MEEEE!"

SUDDENLY! The Cullens (minus Carlisle and Esme, and of course Edward) burst through the doors!

Edward stopped before them on a desk. "Are you the one they call CEO?"

"HELL YES WE ARE!" Emmett shouted, sounding like Stewie from Family Guy.

"Then you are going DOWN!" He yelled.

"CULLENS!" Alice yelled. "GO!" They dispersed into the store, but Emmett stayed.

Edward twirled his lamp like it was one of those stick things they use in martial arts. Edward made various sounds of Kung Fu ("Wah! Hiya! Cheow!") and then held his hand up and made a motion for Emmett to come to him.

Emmett grabbed two desk lamps and twirled them like numb chucks. "Waaaahh! BRING IT, BITCH!"

Edward charged, and Emmett blocked him. Edward quickly charged again, pushing Emmett back. Emmett blocked each attack, but then he tripped (since when do vampires trip?) over an "innocent" pillow and onto a bed. Edward held a furious face as he went to "stab" Emmett, but Emmett moved and Edward lost his balance and fell over.

Emmett noticed a long cord protruding from Edward's lamp, and he swiftly tied it around Edward once and then plugged it into the wall. Not only was Edward tied up, but the light on the lamp turned on.

Edward growled and ripped free from the cord. Meanwhile, Emmett jumped like hell from desk to desk. Edward followed after him, but then he felt something hit him and he slipped off of the desk and splattered **(HA! Splattered...)** onto the floor. He lifted his head and growled at a smirking Alice, who was standing on top of a table, surrounded by pillows.

Note to self: Any object plus vampire force equals DEADLY!

Edward grabbed a chair and, in slow motion, started running towards Alice. She pelted more pillows at him, and he batted each one away with the chair. One ended up taking out a lamp, and another smoked Emmett in the back of the head just as he dove behind a tipped over table.

Just as Edward reached Alice, Alice jumped and Jasper popped up out of nowhere, hitting Edward with a massive pillow.

"Oomph!" Edward grunted as he slid across the table on his stomach. Rosalie jumped up and, using some drapes, tied his hands behind his back. Emmett came over and slammed a mattress on top of him, sandwiching him.

"Well done, guys," Alice smirked.

"ALICE, JASPER, EMMETT, ROSALIE, AND _ESPECIALLY _EDWARD CULLEN!" Esme screeched, entering the store with Carlisle, who was trying not to laugh. He would be yelled at if he did.

The Cullens flinched. Edward slid out from underneath the mattress and plopped onto the floor. He untied his hands and stood up next to his brothers and sisters, who looked ashamed.

"We were just trying to stop Mental Edward!" Emmett cried.

Edward glared along with Esme.

"I don't care!" Esme screeched. "You all caused this mess!"

"Ma'am," The manager squeaked. "Um, you and your kids will have to leave."

Esme smiled sweetly at him. "I'm terribly sorry. They WILL clean this mess up, and then we'll certainly leave."

The man just gulped. "O-okay." He scuttled off.

"Now get to work!" She said angrily. "MOVE!"

They slumped as they scurried off.

Emmett scoffed. "God, Eddie. Can't you NOT be mental for once?!"

"Shut up, Emmett!"

Emmett turned to Jasper. "Stupid Jasper! If you would have just finished HUNTING, we wouldn't be in this mess! I BLAME YOU!"

* * *

**Ah…Mental Edward…this and Edward's Box were actually similar in many ways, but I think it was better than Edward's Box. Did you like how I finished it the same way?! I did. :D**

**Review please!**

**--Panda**


End file.
